All Comments on 'Crime & Punishment Pt. 04'

is always there in political escapades. TK U MLJ LV NV

this is bad wimp story 1*

Not the typical black and white LW's story. More shades of grey then anything else. Sophisticated and compelling. Not an easy read but a very worthwhile one. The title could as easily have been "The Fox and the Wolf". Great read. 5 stars.

way way way to long of a story.

No offense, but lawyers suck and reading about them sucks too. Disgusting, awful people - one and all. Their punishment for their sick evil behavior is to spend time with each other.

"enterprises of great pitch and moment, in this regard their courses turn awry...".

The story between Patrick and Laura became a ripple in a tidal wave of incomprehensible legalese. Whatever happened in the first 3 chapters between them was irrelevant to convoluted politico-legal manouvering described here. Laura might as well not have existed, and there was no finale to resolve their situation, just a petering out of their tale into irrelevant nothingness.

Pity - there was so much potential. And I was anticipating so much more.

Thanks for sharing your story. It was a far better effort than most here.

Sometimes it was third person and sometimes first person. I personally feel that is a cop-out to enable a writer to have the impact of first person without having to make any real effort to reveal the rest of the story from the POV of one person. I had to skim back through the first chapters to get an idea of what the hell was going on. Then the number of characters stumbling through the story made it difficult to follow. Last, but not least, you are forever using "your" when you really mean "you are" or, as some people say it, "you're". That does make a difference in quality and readability.

Hope there's another somewhere in the line.

Would have scored at least 4 except for annoying distraction of misspelled words. Lots of homophone spelling errors. Although some are just close, not pronounced the same way. Ex.

Venerable

This chapter was much better than the last one but felt like you skipped a bunch of chapters in a much longer story. Too much unnecessary detail about unimportant characters and places. The reader still does not know what is going on in Pat and Foxy's lives. Is the baby Pat's? If he has not forgiven his wife, why not get the divorce? If Foxy and Pat are best friends, why is there no dialogue between them in this chapter that is not work related? The idea that Laura kept the special prosecutor so poor that he could not hire help is laughable. Why do you emasculate your main characters? I still gave it 4 stars. I think you can do much better.

Grammar and POV.

Even though I had to reference prior chapters, it was a good tale.

Looking forward to future endeavors.

Thx!

Despite the time lag between chapters three and four this would have been a pretty good story, had the main character (and his butt buddy) not been a couple of wimps.

You women bitch writers always seem to be trying some different approach to making reconciliation at all cost palatable to normal men (that is men who still retain their balls).

Well it ain't gonna happen!

So give up and go away!

This site already has 'way too many RAAC bitches.

I've just gone back, read the previous 3 chapters again before this & have concluded that your standard of writing skills, spelling & grammar have lessened as the story has progressed. Throughout each chapter you've had similar problems & I was hoping to see improvement as you went forward, but sorry it hasn't happened.

Now as to the story itself :-

Chapter 1, brilliant, it had everything I expected to read in a high class tale, good plot, great characterisations & some neat twists.

Chapter 2, faltered slightly as you seemed unsure what path to follow to reach you ending

Chapter 3, disappointing; you lost your way, made some very poor decisions especially concerning the marriage consultant, then where Patrick gets beaten up severely & ending with Laura virtually raping him to get pregnant.

Chapter 4, didn't like it at all, who gives a dam about all the legal ramifications that were going on. You took a good story essentially about Patrick, Laura, their lives together, marriage, her infidelity, his partial revenge & turned it into a legal sideshow. Also there should not have been any reconciliation . RUBBISH, RUBBISH.

I want to take you to task for the length of time between each chapter, it kept getting longer & longer. If you are going to continue to write I suggest that you don't publish until everything is complete as it really takes all the enjoyment out of a series like this having to wait 7 weeks for the final chapter.

I've scored you as follows:-

Ch 1 - 5+ *****

Ch 2 - 5 *****

Ch 3 - 2 **

Ch 4 - 1 * ( this would have been 3*** if the wait had only been 2 - 4 weeks at most )

A little convoluted but overall believable. A five.

The story, not the characters.

Fully agree with lance_spearman's comment. This chapter has no real resolution to the Pat/Laura story and instead focuses on background characters no one cares about. Even worse, there is no reason given to the reader at all for their reconciliation.

The political maneuvering and considerations, the hidden qualities of characters that can leap out and surprise...very good.

I will give it five stars because it was well written and well developed. I hesitate to say I loved it because it got a bit too focused on the political aspects and not on the relationship between husband and wife. That would have been fine had you taken more time to develop the part where he realizes his wife is not as strong as he thought. This was a significant moment that seemed glossed over. You went to town developing his change into the wolf, but it overshadowed her change into a woman he could once again learn to love. So I see how all the political development was necessary. It built him into the character you intended him to be. I just felt cheated out of the personal interactions between husband and wife that justified the stories placement in the LW category.

I do have unqualified respect for ambition of story and hard work thst it took to make the story as successful as it was. Telling 2nd hand and not showing the demise of chief villain was very unsatisfying. One last defined face-off between the main chacter and his would be nervous is was called for. I did enjoy political backscratching tidbits.

There's no doubt that the author holds a plethora of interesting factoids and intriguing characters to match.RichardGerald's literary challenge, as I see it, is to mesh these two promising ingredients into a cohesive, efficient a story structure and mix in some gloss. Excellent shades of gray in both ( mostly ) straight arrow main character and supporting players make this an overall worthwhile read.

Five stars, because this was a first time author staking out fresh territory in loving wives genre. That grading curve goes up , however, with sophomore submission that hopefully is in the works. I thank the author for finishing up his sprawling, and hopefully sequel-friendly tale, where valuable style lessons garnered from creating the first are applied to the second.

For ever having started reading your story. I NEVER write bad reviews, but I can't avoid it this time. You have NO integrity. You promise something at the beginning of the story, and you fail to deliver. The woman fucks around on him, manipulates him (when he supposedly has this "strong" character) into getting her pregnant, sabotages his divorce in a completely ridiculous and unbelievable way (fantasy only goes so far), and then at the end "all is forgiven!"

I would have given this story a 1 except that it didn't have too many grammatical errors or misspellings; instead it was worth a 2 to me. I wish I could take back the 5s I gave your first three installments. I will never read anything you write again!

This story went with a lot of people involved, but the final result was very good...

Sorry, I guess I'm just an unforgiving bitch, but Laura got off WAY too easy.

Would have given 5* for a divorce.

making this comment BEFORE I read this chapter. I have a very good-to-excellent memory, but it's been two months since the third chapter. I had to skim and, in some places, reread the first three chapters to get ready for this chapter. Authors, PLEASE write all of your chapters before you release the first one. Then release each of this close together. Hell, you can release all of them the same day and I can read them as fast or as slow as I want.

But this final chapter left much to be desired. I was terribly disappointed by the final installment, something I had really looked forward to. Jumping from 1st to 3rd person is a big no-no. The lover being killed should not have been just a minor detail, nor should Laura have gotten off so easily with so little fanfare. I'm not saying she should have been crucified (I would have crucified her!) but she was the clear winner in the whole mess.

Too much of the periphery and not enough of the meat of the story in this final chapter. Perhaps you can rewrite it at some point.

HOWEVER, RichardGerald, do not listen to the morons who tell you they'll never read your stuff again, because they are truly morons. You have a talent. Do NOT stop writing. You are obviously a first timer and it shows, so you'll do nothing but get better and better. I'll keep you bookmarked just so I can read anything you write. Just because idiots aren't smart enough to understand you are a budding author doesn't mean you should stop.

Keep fighting the good fight!

It's been too long and I was clueless as to what I was reading. I don't have time to go back and re-read the previous chapters.

Fortunately, although I'm in my 70's, my memory is intact, and after a moment or two of reflection, the characters fell into place. It WAS a long wait, but you've tied the chapters together very nicely. Don't wait so long before your next work.

-H-

This is just excellent.

However,to appreciate it, you need to get out of the Literotica/Loving Wives mindset and see it as you would a story in an anthology of "Best Mystery Stories of 2014".

Decently written story but in the end your protag was self cuck and fuck no to that... self cuck in a story ALWAYS gets 1/5 so 1/5 for all four parts.... now I got some clicking to do to go back and rate those parts also.

Overall, I think you did a very nice job and tied up the story lines well. I liked how he had "forgiven" his wife but didn't tell her directly (many would forgive--not sure if I would be one of them) which might make her continue to question her actions. I do feel that more time could have been devoted to his wife and her coming to terms with what she had done--maybe then I could see the forgiving. I will look forward to your future efforts--one last comment--PLEASE DON"T WAIT SO LONG BETWEEN CHAPTERS!

can understand SGT Brandt's earlier motivation to help our hero. But I can't understand Trina's motivation to help carry out the revenge against Frank.

2. Way too many character names. Statistics should tell us the odds were strongly in favor of at least two of them having the same name.

3. At least one possible hole. Unless the governor had his phone on "speaker," how did any of the four or five people in his office realize his code word "patient" meant our hero?

4. Why is Laura still in his life? His life would be better without her in it.

5. This was an exceptional first story by this writer new to Lit. This chapter, however, had way too many errors. Perhaps the editor/proofreader should have reviewed it one more time.

Please keep writing and sharing. Great story,strong characters, several plot lines with shifting directions.

Ed

Loved every word and can't do justice by commenting. I hope to read more like this in the future.

Thank you for sharing your wonderful talent.

Only one other story got to me like this one, and wouldn't you know, it was about a DA. " When We Was Married".

Even so it took this one to get me to comment.

Well Done my friend, well done indeed !!!!

and very much in the tradition of a DQS. You could make a nice Grisham type novel out of this cast of characters. Your knowledge of the political workings in the state of NY is awesome-dont know if that's how things really work, but sounds completely plausible.

Just when I was getting frustrated with the number of new characters,and the open ends, you began to close it down. It was a 4 until the last page, when you had the Foxy and Saul conversation, which was tremendous. That boosted it to a 5 in my mind.

Looking forward to more of your work, you are a very good writer and I suspect you are NOT new to this forum.

One tip-write the WHOLE story out first, then submit it in 3-5 page chunks, every successive day, to keep the reader from forgetting past chapters.

Thx for your stellar efforts.

The wheels of justice grind exceedingly slowly and this some of this story did also . Still an enjoyable read for me. One question; did you proof read? - "Laura what going on, your all over the news?" Susan said.

I find it hard to believe that an ostensibly brilliant attorney would a) not be aware of any office gossip to watch out for the predator partner, and b) not know the managing partner well enough that she COULD go to him with her concerns.

I also find it hard to believe that a partner who has few clients of his own, and has to be constantly transferred because of his "proclivities" would still be a senior partner. I'm sure there are procedures in the partnership agreement to provide for demotion given inappropriate behavior.

I'm not typically a BTB, and I don't need her to be dead or destitute, but I would have had him hand her the baby, then leave. When she asks where he's going, he says, "To see my attorney."

When she asks why, he tells her, "It's about my divorce," and walks out while she crumbles to the floor.

It can end there, or if you really want to BTB, she could sink into depression and suicide.

It took so much time to complete this story that I had to go back and reread the previous chapters to remember who the (seems like thousands) characters were. I resent having to do that. I want to reread a story because I liked it so much, not to refresh my memory. The section where the husband was manipulated by the wife's firm via the marriage counselor was very distasteful. The only appropriate response to that should have been their eventual divorce, not him being forced to stay with her. This story had promise, and I would give the author another chance, but not before checking on whether it was a multi-part story and how soon the subsequent parts would be posted.

It was a good read, well done and believable. Only gripe was the time it took.

Keep writing, love to read more of your stuff.

First it all the Author wrote Pat thought his friend Steve is strong man against the opinion of other people. Steve was not cuck, the author wrote a true open marriage for him and Susan. I would be curiouse for their future in 20 years...........the majorities of the true open marriges goes to divorce, but they may have the minority.

We got a Reconciliation story with the ancient trick, which is the wife gets pregnancy at the problems and the responsible of fatherhood saves her marriage. I THINK THAT POSTERS ARE NOT RIGHT, that the daughter is not Pat's own DNA test proof baby.

The kind cheater wife is a lawyer and she is not too dumb. The modern time the DNA test is avaible and an DA employee knows this the best! DNA test is part of the modern criminal laboratories!!! Her any hope to hold this marriage alive:

1. DNA test proof baby (she was born)

2. A second DNA test proof baby (she is planning!)

In these cases she has hope for avoiding a near future divorce and after this to hold a longer time marriage.

Duna

Delaying the release of a multipart story is problematic, especially for this story. Why? Because there are lots of characters, subtle relationships and plots, and political relationships to track. You lose all these connections with the long delays and it weakens the story. No, I am not going to go back and reread all the previous sections. The numerous spelling mistakes broke it up even more. By the end of the story I kind of got what was going on but it felt disjointed.

As to the resolution of the Sullivan's marriage, I find it distasteful that you have Pat taking the responsibility for the breakdown. His wife is insecure, it seems, and it's HIS fault somehow for not knowing this and acting accordingly?? BS! BS! People are responsible for their OWN actions. His wife decided to cheat and she deserves to suffer for it. Frankly, the more that goes on the more of an airhead she seems. High powered airhead lawyer.

It was nice to see the arrogant Patterson get taken care of. It was interesting to hear the concluding conversation with Sal but I'm not sure why Sal was that upset? Patterson was a jerk and it's not surprising that someone, playing by the Patterson rules that "I can do whatever I want" would even things out.

Sometime in the future I may reread all sections and see if it holds together better.

A very good story-mostly; interesting and engaging. I've been looking forward to this final part for weeks. It has a lot of the brilliance and some of the problems of the other parts. The grammar and spelling were lamentable; it isn't too difficult to avoid 'your' for 'you're', 'principle' for 'principal' and innumerable other howlers. Given the large cast of characters the story should have been written in the third person throughout.

As for the story itself, the cynicism of it all was terrific. The transformation of the main character into a scheming politician was very well done. The sad reality that he believed that his wife wouldn't cheat again because other men feared the consequences of being with her was a neat touch. I understand the political reasons that he stayed with her (although I wish he had left) but it was a shame that he forgave her, I didn't find that very convincing-she certainly didn't deserve it.

For what it's worth, I thought Part 1 was great and Parts 2 and 4 were very good. Part 3 should have been re-written; the story-line went off-track (it never really recovered) and the editing, spelling and proof-reading were just unacceptable.

Since you teased us a bit with Susan lamenting her husbands infidelity (in spite of her own infidelity), you should write a follow up story on just them and their unique relationship. Sounds like they are headed for disaster. Would love to know how they work through it. The Sullivan storyline is finished, unless you chose to take them in an entirely different direction.

It was very well written for a RAAC tale. Great revenge on Asshole, but keeping Wifey around, kid or not, is only begging for it to happen again. From Chapter 2, we know that Wifey was a cheater before even marrying Hubby. Nothing's changed from then to now. Sure, she feels remorse over what she did with Asshole... for the moment.

Having a baby doesn't solve problems. If the marriage is already on the rocks, the baby is now put into the middle of the possible (probable) fallout.

Yes, it's a RAAC tale. Wifey spread her legs willingly for Asshole. She only felt remorse when Hubby walked out the door. What happens next time she gets a come-on from a charismatic predator? Wifey as written is only staying faithful now because she's scared to death of Hubby.

3 Stars. Great storytelling ability, but this was way too much like a DQS tale.

For another happy cuck tale, raising another dude's kid.

It was written well and contained justice. With willing cuckold stories being the vast majority of the LW section, I would think people would enjoy reading a good cheating wife story. What I don't understand is the tag RAAC. Just because a person takes back a cheater, doesn't mean he is a wimp and will allow his wife to run all over him. I'm sure Pat was a tough guy and only did whats best for his family.

Courtroom stories are not my favorite. The court action makes the story unnecessarily long. There was a lot of names to remember but I kept up. These are minor complaints I really did enjoy this story *****

A five star with better editing.

I thought it was a RAAC story as well. I loved the story and enjoyed following the characters until this final chapter.

She had no respect for Pat and clearly didn't love him (she put everything and everyone before her husband.)

That he could have so little self respect that he let everyone from Saul to her doctor to the Guv tell him to stay with the cheating slut and take care of her is unbelievable. For crying out loud, he didn't even try to verify the paternity of the kid - just decided to accept it and raise it regardless of who sired it. In the end he was just as big a whore as she was, keeping the slut and her kid to advance his career - just as she sold her body to advance her career.

In the end, there was not one likable or respectable person in this story. I feel like I wasted months trying to follow it.

And I have to say, attempting to paint this wimp as a man of courage and conviction was an insult to the intelligence of the reader.

Took too much time, but well worth the wait. You have a real talent or story telling.

Me thinks you might have a few more stories in you. Well let'em out!

I do not really feel that we have come to the end of the line. There is so many unsolved mysteries and people. Will they really make it? If weren't a first time author I would give it a four, but-----

For the read.

I hope you keep writing. You will need a thick skin because this is a democratic site. Any fool can post an opinion and in this case many did.

good story and it was nice to read that pat and laura are still married

You actually pulled it off. I was had doubts, but a reconciliation story I actually liked.

The wife obviously was willing to kill herself with remorse. Even giving up most of the job she was so hungry to have.

He still loved her, and with a child, well thats the best light on staying together if she has really changed and it seems she had. After all if there is no redemption, no forgiveness, no possibility to change. Then our entire judical/penal system as well as most religious teachings are moot.

I liked the ending especially about his friend having his back.

Please write more, this was very good.

For a first story crime and punishment was superior to almost anything written in this site. You had it all characters,detail,outstanding story line, love, hate, deceit,political power,manipulation, you can go on and on with the accolade . Hope you continue writing . Thank you for this masterpiece. One thought because you did not B.T.B that crowd of misguided haters probably voted you down on the finish.

Excellent story with good plot lines and character development. You need to write a novel length story. Soon!

Yes, it was Author mistake that the Author did not write the wife asked for Pat to take the first kid for paternity DNA test or Pat did DNA test secretly. The secret DNA test would have been an example for Ronald Reagen's slogen "Trust but verify".

In DG_Hear's Romance story "Finding the Right Woman" the bride had DNA test done in pregnant state........

I am having a real hard time reconciling the last line of ch 3:

OK the protagonist is in a tough place. I intend to get him out so bear with me.

...how?

For several reasons, this chapter only got 3*s.

Something was lost. RG did you make an error sure more than one.The lost DNA test.

The personality changes in the wife Laura back and forth, strong to weak & back again ! The disappearance of Susan, in the plot. She is upset with Steven, then nothing ' till the funeral. Your protagonist lost his anger. It's what was driving him previously. Now we got the feeling of his resignation to accepting his wife's cheating.

Your attempt to disguise this by having him state to us the readers that she is the weak one goes over like rotten fish ! Etc,etc...

From your own comments in the introduction and after reading the story. It seems you had a very difficult time with the ending. It makes sense! For a first time writer you really had painted yourself into a corner at the end of chapter 3.

I get the impression that this ending was rushed and forced by you . Trying to make your audience happy ?? RG write for yourself, NOT us. Hell, we don't even pay for your work !! This story ended powerfully and sadly at chapter 3. I don't like it but often the cheater "wins".

Probably I am completely wrong as to your motivation . If so then I believe this chapter needed more time in your hands. It doesn't matter how long it takes you. Don't send the copy until YOU are completely satisfied with the story.

Sorry about the lectures everyone but I admire RG . He is gifted. Hopefully his muse will inspire soon!!

However long it takes I look forward to seeing your next story as

AMerryMan

I did when it came to this final chapter. Personally you started like a lion but ended it like a lamb which helps ground the realism of the story. I see a few spinoffs with some of the loose ends. I'll look to see what you do next.

P.O.I.

What started in the first 2 1/2 chapters as a very good story ending in a whimper as if you could not wait to end the story. From having the husband forceful and in charge to a victim going along with the tides. Where the villains becomes the hero's "partners" and allies. And his friend and his wife's story was dropped totally. Too bad, Pat and his friend Steve were good strong characters who were ultimately wasted.

Such an enthusiastic beginning chapter turned into a disappointing ending. I won't even rate this because its preposterous. I'll just end this with one question. Who is the father of the child?

You spend too much time introducing characters who are irrelevant to the story. I know more about the marriage and character of Slut Sara than Hoffman (who?) and his family until the very end.

This time spent introducing irrelevant characters came at the cost of introducing the problem of Hoffman beating his wife. You could have made this a big dramatic scene of rushing around a hospital, introducing Beth, Hoffman and his wife. Instead, four nonentities talk about it. Excuse me. It is narrated to us. THEY are talking about a special prosecutor (who may be UNCONSTITUTIONAL) investigating the PRIME ISSUE IN THE STORY mentioned in ONE (1) paragraph. Don't blink or you'll miss it.

Meanwhile, relevant characters like Hoffman, his wife, his son, the Reverend who is slipping her the salami (???) is neglected and ignored. I hear about some dead chicks breast cancer for three paragraphs but we don't meet the WIFE???? AYFKM?

The premise of the story is not readily apparent. You want to tell the tale of 'How Pat Gets his Dignity Back'. Apparently it's by having a bunch of non lesbians want him and his sexy crutches and lesbians want to work for him...for free. He also gets a big budget. Women love a big budget.

The story the readers want to read is how Pat gets out of his sham of a marriage or at least gets the upper hand. This isn't discussed. Instead, we have more information on political tit for tat, budget problems and office woes than we do about the story we care about. YOU established the problem for three chapters before this. Now you want to shift gears totally. All the shenanigans prior were in furtherance of his dealing with his marriage woes. NOTHING in this story has anything to do with that.

Out of nowhere, we make Fitzgerald a cheating murderous scumbag in an open marriage Yay! Now we hate you too 'Foxy'! You and your horrid wife.

We get a drive by of the FBI wanting to investigate...something. Don't blink, you'll miss it.

Frank appears just to exit: stage dead. Don't blink.

And to resolve the story we DO care about, she gets sad, can't cook, can't feed herself (begging the question of how she lived for the 30 odd years before meeting him...sorry 10 since she finished home and college). Some lady tells him to 'grow up' and accept the fact that he should stay with a woman who cheated on him, lied to him, forced him to stay in a marriage he hates, raped him after her lover shot him and covered up the crime by saying nothing...SHE is the woman he needs to spend the rest of his life with because she had the miracle of birth (done at least 7 billion times in the last 100 years and counting). HE needs to grow up. Certainly he can't question her suitability as a mate, a mother or an ethical life form.

This...is not a satisfying resolution.

Look at the number of, and the passion (both positive and negative) of, the comments you’re getting. This story, along with its characters, was riveting. Great writing. I really look forward to seeing your future work.

Now for a bit of critique..

That said, I must agree with many who’ve suggested the notion that the ending was completely unsatisfying for those looking for a sense of justice for Pat in his relationship with his cheating wife – what an ironic wish for people reading a tale entitled ‘Crime and Punishment’; or how about an ironic wish for people reading a tale that had chapter 3 end with his wife just informing Pat that she’s pregnant and seeing the author’s closing comment “OK the protagonist is in a tough place. I intend to get him out so bear with me”.

The end came not just as a surprise, but felt a bit like a ‘bait and switch’ …

All along you asked the readers to root for the protagonist who constantly was seeking to find a way to move forward (yes - smarter, wiser, more mature, but… ) without Laura. You left him trapped… I feel like I’ve been cheated – the hero didn’t get his dream… what he’d been fighting for all along. It’s as if I’ve just re-watched the ending to the movie Seven – Bradd Pitt has just opened the box… This is actually worse in a sense, because this story’s hero had control over realizing his goals… whereas Pitt’s character had his future stolen from him by a vicious villain.

DQS (‘When we were married’ and many others) likes to tell tales of horrible, soulless betrayal followed by reconciliation… I don’t find his endings satisfying either… but I enjoy reading his tales more, because he doesn’t set up false expectations.

Again, great writing – I’m dying to see more of your work. Please don’t pull the rug out from under me again.

SMM

Thoroughly unsatisfying chapter. So much detail about everything BUT what the reader has become emotionally invested in: Pat's personal life and emotions. He bocomes a characature of an "appointed politition", no long human or husband. The problem of the errant wife is "solved" with a bout of pre-partum depeession and birth. You make sure to *say* they love each other, but you sure don't show it.

unlike many of the commentators, I have no problem with a reconciliation tale when it's deserved. Maybe this one was, but you sure as hell can't tell from the two-sexond spotlight on the relationship. I personally would like to see you try again, focusing more on the emotions swirling in the relationship rather than the grit of the political machine . . .

say it all.

A strong individual of principal who swore he would divorce Laura, and he had great reasoning she sleeps with the firms partner to get a partnership she would have gotten anyway . She sold herself make her a whore, one up until the last chapter he was going to end it, she even gets pregnant thru deception . Takes him to bed . Now pat. Sells himself out in order to move on politically in his life. So they make a perfect team and he forgives her plus they have a child together. Like I said strange ending but a well written story better than 95 % of the writers on this site and it was free to read. I like people to forgive but am doubtful that would apply here.

The story was elaborated and it showed more cheating cases in the plot not only Pat's own cheating wife. Pat was on two criminal events which was connected cheating wives and his friend TRUE open marriage.

1. A husband (carpenter?) beat the loverboy of his wife. Pat as DA employee tried to find less punishment to him.

2. The senator's case, where the son of the cheating wife was violant to his mother.

3. Pat's case, the main plot thread.

4. Open marriage of Susan and Steve

The author's mistake to forget to use DNA test for their first child was big mistake, because a positive DNA result to help the plot of his reconciliation story. If Pat had gotten positive DNA test, he could say his DNA test proof daughter deserves intact family! This could explain the reconciliatin decision better of Pat, than the solidarity beside the insecure antihousewife Laura! Which was the last explanation by the reconciliation at the Author. However I think Laura's kid was Pat's. Laura knows only DNA test proof kids are the insurance for a long time mariage....but the lost DNA test is dramaturgy mistake from the Author.

Duna

Clever plotting does not mitigate the need to correct the betrayal set out in the first installment.

Frank has been put out of everyone else's misery. So what?

You started out this whole series with a focus on your 'wolf' giving his wife what she deserved for cheating. It was the driving force of the story, the focus. And the key element was that Patrick would NOT accept her cheating, no matter the pressure brought on him.

In later chapters, you contrived to reconnect the two with a corrupt legal process and a 'marriage councillor' who was morally bankrupt, evil, and just plain wrong. It did not fit so much, that in the end I found that part boring.

You promised at the end of the last chapter to deliver him from the hard spot you left him, but instead, you have just swept the original premise out of the entire story line.

All of a sudden, his cunt of a wife is a helpless lost soul? She should not even be pregnant. If I were Patrick she never could be, with my DNA.

You fail to sell the RAAC at all, and you fail to sell Patrick as well.

Who cares if your career is going well, if you have no moral code you live by? The things he did to change the game in earlier chapters... i see as only justice... he was being played by players, so he used their own game to turn it back on them. If he didn't he would have been a broken, weak and helpless fool, worth nothing. All he did was to show that he was a much more worthy person than anyone gave him credit for (till the story changed, anyway).

However, by just having the storyline totally drop away from his original stance, you have made it all pointless. He is now just a scumbag like his buddy Steven, and deserves all the yoghurt he can suck out of his wife's pussy, and to raise Frank's baby.

I've have visited Literotica recently waiting only to read this last instalment. Now that it is here I am still left wanting. Patrick was portrayed in the beginning as a boy scout (high moral and ethics). He was betrayed by his wife. While the story is well written and has aspects of politics which I am not familiar with I find this last instalment lacking. Manipulation of people is what politics is based on. Patrick was manipulated and I perceive him as losing in the end. He is still married against his wishes. He is a father against his wishes. So the ending is the exact opposite of what I was hoping to read. I was hoping the boy scout would rise above the mire not succumb to it. He will do his duty in the end because that is morally and ethically expected. But the cheater wins here. Both Laura and Stephen escaped consequences in life and yet Patrick is the one who has to pay the Piper.

I think that the major issue here is misplaced word count. To make it simple, count the number of paragraphs which deal with the Hoffman case. Then count the number of paragraphs which directly deal with Pat thinking of his wife, Laura at all, and others talking about his relationship. Do you get a three to one ratio? More?

I get you wanted to write a political mystery but honestly that failed too. This story had GRAND potential. Why did it fail? You didn't describe the 'mystery'. You spent more time introducing political woes and characters who, once again, were basically irrelevant than on establishing WHY this case was so damned important. If the Democrats lost the Senate...or gained the Senate...or whatever...I don't flipping care! There are no stakes to me. So it was an ill defined problem about people you never made me care about being taken care of by a guy who honestly, IMO, had other major problems to worry about.

You sought to build up Patrick as an important man and an up and coming mover and shaker. You tried to make things difficult for him. Well done...except I didn't really see HIM do anything. Sloane did all the heavy lifting by being a huge scumbag (another one). He mulled things for a few paragraphs and he had a Grand Jury conversation seemingly out of the blue.

Your work reads something like a Robert Tannenbaum legal thriller. However, you need to give the hero more to do. Here he walked around on crutches and had people tell him how awesome he was as they felt his ass. Nice work if you can get it. I didn't 'feel' the FBI threat because it didn't have a face...and it went away as soon as Frank got whacked. (I won't even go over how cheap a shot THAT was!)

But again, you could have made the political mystery much more interesting, but we didn't care about it! It was LAURA we wanted to hear about. There was no movement or maneuvering on his part to get out of that situation. She got sick, got depressed and he just...forgave her. While I was looking for an epiphany moment, I didn't get the development which allowed him to make that jump. A baby is a trite. He could have figured 'Hey, these days I am colluding with my scumbag employees to ruin peoples lives for a minor political case. I am no better than my wife was.' But we didn't get that.

Sorry to run long but the POTENTIAL of this story was great. It's execution needed work. If you don't know why it didn't work, you can't do better. I hope you do and I hope you continue to write.

And God in heaven: When you plummet, you are falling. When you are pummeled, you are being beaten.

My biggest disappointment was in the reaction to the affair. Either I'm an optimist and cannot believe EVERYONE else in the story thought Pat was wrong or the fact that in reality of law and politics that affairs are not only tolerated but almost expected. In either case what a complete set of characters that I could honestly not care one lick about.

It started beautifully and simply. It would definitely worked better with a three chapter approach and a lot less superfluous characters with too much background detail added later in the story. This led to the focus of the main plot getting blurred.

overall I rated the first 2 chapters at 4 the last two at barely 3.

Thanks for the read.

I went back a couple times to chapter 1, to try to refresh my memory of the various characters, events, dates, etc. that I don't remember and don't really care much about any more....

I was jumping up and down praising this story back in chapter one.

Here, now, in chapter 4, I tried a couple times and could barely bring myself to reading it, MUCH LESS liking it. In fact, I skimmed through page one and then went straight to the second half of the last page and then continued on to the comment section...

The aimless discussions about city, county, state, and federal corruption... who is fucking whom and in what position, who's gay and who's not..... using "their" for "there".... who's "Ivy League" and who's not.... endless run-ons in sentences and other simple grammatical structures both inside of quotes (character idioms and flaws) and outside (author's responsibility)... the long gaps between chapter posting....

As HDK said, this has been WAY TOO AMBITIOUS and we are now seeing the consequences: the author has clearly failed himself.

I saw all the long comments, but only read a few. Two got me; one said this was akin to DQS 'When We ere Married', and he was mostly right. Others cited the time between chapters. I started reading chapter one when it first came out and decided to wait till you finished. I'm glad I did.

This is a five point story all the way through. There were problems for sure, but a five's a five.

Please continue to write.

Please don't read it.

Ignore the 'nayasayers' regarding content and context. Do prod your editor a bit harder as there were far too many errors for this story. Sure there are some similarities to other Lit Classics, but it's not like there is anything new under our 5 billon year old sun.

Anyway - well told, enjoyed the pace. The bitch may not have gotten burned but she sure got blistered.

Excellent writing. It's a 10 chapter novel missing chapters 4, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10. It needs a new chapter 4 to connect chapter 3, and the promises made there, to what is now chapter 4 but really 5. Then we need 6-10 to finish this really good start of a novel.

Authors cop out a lot when they reconcile,as in as they are written they don't deserve it and put a few cliches to camouflage.emasculation or at least enabled cuckoldry

You did a good job with Laura and Sullivan although that isn't set in stone. He doesn't come off as weak and he certainly wouldn't be fooled again for a second.

It would be nice if Lauren got too know just what kind of person Frank was though, or got to know him as even worse than he actually was..Steven and Pat make a mean mean team.

I like this story better than the other similar ones Plenty of drama and not so much melodrama

Didn't you say you were going to get him out of the trap he was in?The protagonist is in a tough place.I intend to get him out?

Looks like he is farther in.

"She had not had a lot of lovers. She was no slut. Steve was her fourth." Geez, what is a slut to you? This may explain the problem for so many with this story. To the author, sex is like eating, everyone does it and with multiple people. It means nothing.

No one in this story is appealing, no one gives a damn about them in the end.

Laura was a 'slut' (by your own definition). Read chapter one, why would she even consider messing with Frank? Really weak for a smart woman.

Finally, I come from a legal family. Most of our friends are attorneys. I have yet to meet an introverted yet successful trial attorney. BTW, I usually puke before the trial. After that, it's OK.

Better that you should have stopped at Chapter 3. Why get involved with a volunteer editor/writer when you clearly did not use them?

I'm not a rabid BTB person but after Laura humiliated the protagonist by spreading for Frank to get her partnership, and then impregnated herself against his wishes, she needed to go. When Laura took sides with her firm against her husband in effectively quashing the divorce she needed to go. When Laura joined in with Bella in slamming Patrick, emasculating and humiliating him repeatedly, she needed to go.

Your chapter four was intense with adequate drama but it was disjointed and you misplaced your continuity. Sullivan Esq. became a pussy and not the tough guy you tried to generate. Regardless of her underlying weaknesses, Laura was still a slut and a betrayer. Frank (the bastard) ended up broken and dead. Laura got off easy but they were both 75% culpable.

I gave this one star, the other chapters received 4 stars. This was NOT worth the wait and the re-read. You write well but you seem to have lost your way with this chapter.

1) dumb it down a little bit... I had to guess the meanings of a few things here and there...

2) the transitions from third person narrative to first are a bit jarring, be careful with that... Stick to one format...

3) get an editor

submitting...

It's extremely tiresome to wait for the new chapter... Submit it then one a week... That way, you get the audience hooked and no one gets frustrated...

Very good story though, I was scared it was going to be like a similar story most of us had read, but this was better and not as long drawn as danielqsteele's...

By the time you finished the epilogue -

All that lead in and Foxy got raped and the Wolf stepped in? Awesome outcome - he paid part of his debt to Pat.

Laura was a victim - no doubt - so was Pat no doubt - so was pretty much everyone in the story at one point or another LOL.

Was Laura remorseful - seemed like she was certainly desperate to hold on to what she truly loved. Frank was a means to and end she did not want to use but did. Weak yep and Steve knew, Pat learned and, like the stereotype dumb blonde, she needs to be handled to protect her from her own failings if you want to respect yourself in the long run.

Maybe Pat can get there some day - not sure -

Great job - more editing will help but this was just fine -

and I certainly thank you for the time and effort you put in on it, but I do agree with some of the criticisms that have been made:

--you simply made readers wait too long between chapters; you should finish your next tale, then submit its chapters at shorter intervals

--the reason readers got so involved in the story, namely Laura's affair and Pat's pain, slipped very far into the background as the story went in many other directions (though for me these were interesting, they weren't why I was reading)

--one point that I'm not sure has been made: your characters didn't stay consistent! I can almost believe strong, able Laura turning out to be weak underneath, but you TOTALLY changed Steve Fitzgerald and his relationship with his wife. For 3 chapters she was cuckolding him, he knew it, but he was so in love with her he was too weak to do anything about it. Now all of a sudden HE'S also cheating and SHE can't do anything about it? And he's strong and conniving and, in fact, quite dangerous? Where did that come from?

Despite all these reservations, I certainly think you have a lot of talent as a story-teller and I hope you will continue. As a fellow writer I know how much thought and effort it takes, and we you read your work are grateful.

Thanks,

ohio

I gave it a "1" because of the inconsistencies with the characters. There were to many changes in the characters that it was confusing and disjointed. The story just seemed to fall apart in the last chapter.

There's a lot of good advice there that help you improve with your characters, a consistent story line and satisfying conclusion.

From the end of Part 3: "OK the protagonist is in a tough place. I intend to get him out so bear with me."

Now, how is it that having Hubby go back to a known cheater who basically trapped him into staying married with all powerful Godlike lawyers blocking the Divorce long enough for her to get pregnant with a baby, that may or may not belong to Hubby "getting him out of the tough place?" You basically locked him into that tough place with how you wrote the ending.

That is called betraying your readers/fans. You promised one thing, but went back on it to turn this into a DQS style tale. DanielQSteele is the King of the RAACs, in case you were wondering.

Like I said before, great writing, but the tale itself left much to be desired.

suckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkssssssssssssssssssss

What a sucky finish.

I agree with IronDragon. You never got the hero out of the bind he was in. And you never gave us a reason to like the woman. He just 'forgave' her ... cause she was a good mother... ?

Listen, you're the author, and you can do whatever you like with your characters. I won't quibble about that. But that doesn't mean I have to like it.

Did you take so long between chapters that you forgot your promise of getting Pat out of this mess?

Laura did nothing to deserve reconciliation.

There is a less than 2.5% (two point five percent) chance that she got pregnant when she "raped" Pat, so that leaves the question of who is the father still open.

especially when they are. TK U MLJ LV NV

Great read, but I found it hard to remember all the characters as well as figure out some of the jumps to other people or situations.

to end up a cum-slurping pussy-wimp.

.....of how things work in local American Politics - seems as if you have been there - done that ??

Makes me wonder if ANYONE in local / national politics plays it straight - not that it isn't the same all over this blue marble...!!

The Author states this chapter is the conclusion. To me there are a lot of lose ends that have not been tied up. It just doesn't read or feel like the end of the story.

George in Omaha

Your not going to believe me, but your does not equal you are (you're). You made that gaffe over and over.

You comma-splice sentences, drop commas when they're needed, and meander all over, getting nowhere.

Overlong, sleep-inducing, complete waste of time.

But after you promised to get him out of the situation and then left him married to the bitch I just can't give this a good score. Good writing. Some errors but overall very well written. And if you had followed through on you promise and let him get rid of the cheating, manipulative slut I would have given you a 10. But I simply hated your ending. Nothing more, nothing less. That ending ruined the whole story for me. Keep writing but please no more endings like this one. UGH!

The personalities and circumstances changed so much from the beginning that except for their names they were not the same people. The relationship and roles in their marriage of Patrick and Laura became so convoluted and confusing it was difficult to accept. What happened to them? Who were these people we read about at the end? There were no nice people here. No one to like. Everyone turned into users, manipulators, and corrupt egotists who are masters at rationalizing their behaviour.

If this is your way of getting him out the mess I have to give it a fail. I have to ask if this is what you think it means to grow up and become adults? If so,, I will pass.