Femina Perfecta

"Really, dad? Come on."

"Oh. Hey, son. How you been?" his father said as he shook off the last of his piss and didn't even get his dick all the way back into his pants before turning around.

John winced at the sight. It reminded him of a couple of years previously when he'd been tricked into going to a hospital visit with his mother only for it to turn out that she needed him to pay her bill. While he was driving her down to the DC area she asked him to just stop the car and right there in full view of traffic, she squatted down and took a piss.

"You aren't going to get me to believe they didn't have a bathroom in there."

"They did but some woman was cleaning it so ..."

John rolled his eyes.

Back on the road.

John passed by the post office to find out what the hell was going on with his half sister and her then current human dildo. Oh, look. The police were involved. Wonderful. Let's just get word back to Mr. Yamaguchi about everything before we can get off the ground. For Fuck's sake, idiots. John couldn't even muster being disappointed when he discovered that the altercation was brought on from a disagreement over a dollar and ninety seven cents.

The boyfriend was in the back of a squad car. John's sister was standing talking to police while she was only wearing a camisole and her nipples were visible through the material for anyone who wanted to look. The baby was crying like it was the end of the world and John could actually feel his blood pressure go higher.

John begged his father to just stay in the car instead of going over there and making things worse. John took on the responsibility himself and introduced himself to the cops. John explained that the arguing couple were distant, very very distant, relatives and that they were all going to be spending Christmas at Mr. Yamaguchi's estate. At the drop of the famous name suddenly the officers were all smiles; though they did give the two idiots a stern warning to keep out of trouble while they were in town.

"Thank you." John's sister said to him a she gave him a hug. "Oh, and listen to little Dicky. He must be hungry."

"Dicky?"

"On his birth certificate his name is Penis but we call him Dick for short."

Let it pass, John said internally. Let it pass. Don't say anything.

"We have plenty of food at the ... oh, you're just going to feed him like that." Breast feeding in public. "The lake is not that far."

"Oh, good. We'll follow you."

"Not until the little one is properly strapped into the car seat."

His sister tilted her head like she just didn't even understand what he'd just said.

"No, I mean it. Car seat. It's the law. You were just talking to the police. Come on. Use some sense."

There was a little more back and forth on it and then finally the baby was in the car seat and the two cars were back on the road.

Just then John noticed that he started to develop a headache. When he was younger he used to get these massive migraines that would wipe him out for a whole day or more. They pretty much stopped after he finished high school but ever since then, even the hint of a headache and he could almost feel himself panic. He had headache medicine in his car, as indeed he also had some in his office at work, in his briefcase, in every room of his apartment, and even some behind the counter in the lobby of the apartment building. But even still, he stopped at the nearest drug store and grabbed two of every kind of headache medicine they had. Just in case. A migraine might not develop if he treated it in time.

John told himself to relax as he put on his sunglasses. He often found that blocking all light from his eyes helped with the headaches but of course he couldn't do that while driving so he turned to dark tinted sunglasses.

Finally, they were all back at the lake. His other sister was also at the lake as well with her kid, though no boyfriend was accompanying her. Who's left? There was one more half sister from his father's side who was coming with her mom since the mother wouldn't allow the girl to be around her father unless she also came even though the girl was legally of adult age. John hoped that there would be no fighting among the older generation of people. His plan was for that mom to stay in the cabin the farthest away from his dad. Well, that was the plan but thanks to his mom's brother bringing his entire clan there was going to have to be a rethink.

Actually, John was pleasantly surprised to see that, at least for his family, everyone seemed reasonably well behaved as they gathered in the main hall to hear about when lunch and dinner would be served. There was the fact that someone had started playing gangster rap on a stereo but then someone other than John had told them to cut it out and the ... ahem ... 'music' stopped without a fight erupting. From John's point of view, he didn't know which was worse, rap or the country music that he knew his parents liked.

Maybe this wasn't going to be so bad. Maybe the magic of Christmas could work some kind of wonder and get this rag tag band of slobs to come together and be presentable enough for him to introduce Megan to them. Not that he thought they would care but the only way John knew to do family was to go through the motions and hope it would feel like something genuine.

Ok, so the only ones left to arrive were his birth mother and his youngest sister, Kryssy. He called his mom to see where she was and she was lost on the other side of town. John gave her directions and then set his phone to remind him to call her again in fifteen minutes since she was certain to get lost again.

In the meantime, he told his aunt with the new age hippie dress that she was in charge of the kitchen and she could draft anyone she wanted to help make lunch. One of the ways that John exercised authority in the company was to put other people in charge of smaller things and have them report to him. He would impress upon them the high value and importance of the work to be done even if it was cleaning the bathrooms, which is what he set cousin Franny on though the girl looked like she wasn't even listening to him. John had taken one look at his aunts hands and he knew that she'd already had years of experience cooking for her kids. Similarly, he'd taken one look at his 18 year old cousin with sunglasses on and hair going down over her face and figured putting her in charge of cleaning the mirrors was the best way to not have to deal with her being in the way.

Another trick was giving someone authority over someone else. Then there was pressure from above and below to do a good job, not to mention the pressure from the end user of your product. John watched and smiled as his aunt assembled a team of three more and she started bossing them around in the kitchen to get lunch ready and get a head start on dinner.

Next. "Uncle, you're a smoker, right?"

"Yeah. You got a problem with that?"

"Problem? No. I appreciate the fact that you took the initiative to smoke outside. Thank you."

"Oh. Well ... Clara makes me do that at home so ..."

"Now, it's not my rule. I don't care myself, but my boss owns this place and he doesn't want smoking in any of the buildings. Now just imagine if we can show him that even with smokers in our party we treated his property with the utmost of respect."

"Sure, tell him not to worry."

"You know, he also has this wonderful estate over in France."

"Europe France?"

"Yeah. So, he's letting us use this place this year. I can't promise anything but just imagine the kind of experience you could give your kids if you all got passports and took this family reunion international."

"I don't know about no France, though."

"Tell me, how many other kids at your kids' school have a passport and go on vacation to other countries?"

John's uncle started nodding slowly as his mind finally started to see the vision that John was giving him. "Not many."

"Or any, probably. So I really want my boss not just to hear it from me but also to see it with his own eyes that we were good stewards. He's all into the bible and stuff so you can imagine what he's like."

"I thought he was a Chinese."

"They're all getting super into the bible over there now."

"Oh yeah. That's good."

"So, you know I don't smoke myself and I don't know the kinds of things that are convenient or inconvenient for smokers. So I need you to let me know how I can help keep the place clean cause we don't want cigarette butts on the ground or burns in the sheets when my boss comes to inspect after we're gone."

"Yeah ok."

"Great. So you're in charge of that. Ok. If you notice something that needs to be set right, by all means let's get it done. You're the boss in this so don't let anyone tell you that they have permission to smoke in the building or to leave their trash anyplace."

"Alright. I'll take care of it."

Cool. Made peace and asked for the cigarette butts to be picked up without an argument. If push came to shove he could just pay for an international reunion himself. He would have all the money he ever needed to be able to do that just so long as this vacation went smoothly.

Next, he showed one of his sisters where the Christmas presents he'd purchased were hidden. "Misty, what do you think? Is this ok like this or should we wrap them?" Just the right words and the right push and then John watched as Misty started to look over the various colors and patterns of ribbon and wrapping paper.

Break for lunch. John was so happy to see them getting everyone served and organized. It was beautiful and he made sure to let them know how thankful he was. That made his aunt smile and she did a funny new age hand gesture and took a bow.

After lunch, John was going to get his father and his other uncle working on bringing in the huge Christmas tree and getting it decorated. However, just then it looked like the last car had finally made it.

"Here's your mother now." John's father said as they were standing outside. "She's got Kryssy with her. You'll like her. She's good at all that science stuff that you like so much."

"Oh, I can't wait." John didn't actually put much stock in what his father had said. His idea of being good at science probably meant that the girl could recall that water was H2O.

"Yeah, she got a job as an engineer. Oh, but don't say that in front of your mother. She still thinks it has something to do with old-timey trains."

"Of course she does." John said as he was both completely unsurprised at his mom's ignorance while being completely surprised that his sister would work in any capacity that would allow her to take on the title of engineer. What was she building? Teddy bears at one of those stuffed animal shops?

The three men left the tree and went over to greet John's mom. She got out of the car and waddled over to them.

"Merry Christmas." John said.

"I gots to shit. Where's your toilet?"

"Uh ... ahem. Right this way."

John showed his mother to the nearest restroom and as soon as the door was closed, he bolted. So gross.

Back outside, John's father was helping the car's other occupant out of the car. The girl was on the phone with someone and apparently trying to get off the call. John's father was in the way so John couldn't see right away if his emo guess or his highlights guess was correct.

"Kryssy, you remember John, I hope." their father said as he got out of the way and Kryssy took her phone from her ear and looked up.

John was about to extend his hand to her but then just froze in place.

Did not compute. John's whole body became stiff and his mouth was just gapping open.

Megan was standing there in front of him with a puzzled look on her face that slowly turned to one of horror.

No. No way. There had to be a mistake. His sister must still be in the car. Right? Right!

"You two ok?" their father asked.

"Uh ... uh, yeah." Megan said.

"You sure?"

"She's just so pretty. I didn't expect it." John forced himself to say.

"Well, yeah, I guess your mom and me just had the right combination between us."

"Daddy, I need to get ... um ... I need to powder my nose."

The young woman ran off and the two men were left by the car.

"Ok, now tell me what you really think." John's father said.

"I think you should have brought her around to come see me WAY before now."

"See. I know. But you know women. You can't ever get them to do anything unless it's their own idea."

John was in a daze as he went back into the main hall. Now that everyone was here, he was supposed to have his big meeting and give them the speech telling them which parts of the complex they could use and which parts were off limits as well as the fact that he was in charge and not to break anything. Instead, he just sat and watched as his father and his uncle got the tree placed.

"Hey, you look like you done seen a ghost."

John looked over and it was Britney. "I'm ok. I just need an aspirin." John pulled out a package of pills and then looked at his watch. Could he take another yet? No. He better wait. However, he gladly gulped down the glass of water that his sister brought him.

"Now, you see, y'all. You done stressed out our host." It was John's aunt with the three kids who he'd not been told about who was addressing everyone. Then she insisted on getting John to his feet and helping him to his bedroom on the second floor of the main hall. "Just take it easy, you. We'll call you down when supper's ready."

How could this have happened to him? There had to be a mistake. It couldn't have possibly been what he thought it was. No. No way. It was a joke. She couldn't be that person. NO! Cause if she was ... then that would mean ... NO!

His eyelids were pulling so far back, there was a strange sensation that his eyes might actually pop out of his head.

A gentle knock came to the door. Should he answer it? Who was it? His breathing wasn't doing its normal thing as he stood up. He was shaking as he reached out for the door handle.

He opened the door and no one was there. All he could see was the rail that looked down to the main room where the tree was starting to look like a Christmas tree. He started to close his door but then a hand came and pushed the opposite direction.

"Wait." she said.

John pulled the door back to himself and there in front of him Megan stood looking like she was in no better condition than he was.

"Can I talk to you?" she asked.

Without a word he just stepped aside and let her enter. She went to the little table and then positioned herself so that the table was between her and John.

"Tell me you're not." she said.

"Not what?"

"Not John. Not my brother."

"My name is John."

"A fake name. You fucking gave me a fake name!"

"Well, Kryssy; what the hell were you doing telling me your name was Megan."

"My name is Megan. I certainly wasn't going to go through life with Kryssy stuck on my driver's license so I had it legally changed to show my middle name as my first name. So I have an excuse. What's yours, MAX."

"I'm not in the habit of telling women I just met my real name."

"Oh, but I guess you are in the habit of sleeping with them apparently. You were so smooth, I should have known."

"The only woman I've been with since I met you in the bar has been you. So don't give me that. You didn't know me from Adam. You just met me and I didn't even give you my real name and you just took me to bed."

"I loved you!"

"Me and how many others? Huh?"

"You're a pig."

"Oh, bring out that old line. You know I'm right so that's all you can say."

"I've only ever been with two men in my life. One was in high school and the other was you."

"You expect me to believe that?"

"It doesn't matter. Ok. So, you're ... gasp ... my brother." She brought her hand to her mouth. "And that means ... that means that ... we ..."

"It never happened." John said.

"What?"

"We nothing. It never happened."

"What are you saying?"

"I guess I shouldn't have expected you to be any smarter than the others so I'll spell it out for you."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Just listen. It never happened. I don't know what you remember or think you remember but it never happened. Ok. It was a figment of your imagination and I'd really appreciate it if you didn't go around telling people things that aren't true."

"You think I'm the one who's going to tell?"

"Just see that you don't."

"Fine. And you're a piece of shit bastard, just so you know."

"So noted. We done?"

"You didn't even love me at all, did you?"

"Whether I did or didn't, it's immaterial now. Oh, wait. I forgot who I'm talking to. I guess I better not use big words or you won't understand, will you; Kryssy?"

She slowly unzipped the front of her coat to about half way and then she reached inside and brought her hands up to the back of her neck. "I guess you'll be wanting this back."

"I do indeed. It wasn't meant to be wasted on your kind."

She took the necklace off and held out her hand to him, making sure to keep the rest of herself as far away from him as possible. Once he had it, it vanished into his pocket and then he opened the door for her and didn't even look at her as she passed to leave.

As he was closing the door she had one last thing to say. "For my mom's sake I'll stay here one day but then I'm leaving."

"Good."

"Until then, don't touch me. Don't talk to me. Don't even look at me."

"Why are you still at my door?"

There was a moment that passed when each one wanted to say more but their communication had broken down to both of them just giving each other an evil look and then he slammed the door in her face.

John went over to the table where she'd been standing. Somehow, the air in that spot smelled of her.

He never should have went to speak to her in the bar. He never should have turned around in the coffee shop. If only in those moments he'd stopped to be rational and remembered all the ways other women had hurt him in the past. But now it was done and he couldn't go back and change it. And now he was at her mercy if she started telling the story to everyone. That was just the sort of idiot thing one of his sisters would do. She never loved him. How could she?

And now he had a diamond necklace and a diamond engagement ring with no one to give them to. Such a waste. What had he been thinking? You don't negotiate this way and he knew that. You don't go to a customer and tell them, hey, we'll just give you whatever you want for free if you'll just like us. That was stupid and John knew it. You can't just buy people liking you. You have to go and earn it.

It was true again. Again and again, no matter what it was. If John didn't work for it himself and earn it himself, then it was going to fall through. No one was ever going to give him anything. Oh, they would say they would, like his social worker saying that the state would pay for his college but then he ended up having to pay for it himself. Or the time he was supposed to go to the White House but the judge couldn't be bothered to get around to signing the permission form in time. If the word 'free' was attached to anything, John was sure he'd be made to pay for it somehow. No one was ever going to just give him anything.

And that was why dating was a lost cause. It was madness to tie up your happiness to something or someone outside of yourself. Marriage was a sucker play almost by definition. It only really existed for the benefit of the children and John was proof that sometimes not living with parents could actually turn out better. He shuttered to think how he might have turned out if he'd actually grown up with those idiots. They were nothing but low level thieves who thought they could print up fake money on a printer in a library. And that was probably the only time they ever set foot in a library.