Love and Trust

"One question: if you don't trust me, how come you are here alone with me right now?"

"Simple, I expected you to take me. One man more or less, what does it matter? If you did I would at least know where we stand instead of suspecting it will happen sooner or later."

That hit me right between the eyes. Her naked honesty that she expected me to rape her, now or later, and simply saying 'what would it matter?'. I put an arm around her shoulders in a comforting gesture and realised it was a mistake when she tensed up. I removed my arm at once.

"I'm sorry Irina, I didn't think. I wanted to comfort you but that was stupid. Please forgive me."

She stopped and turned towards me, so I stopped too.

"Thank you for caring and for trying to understand me, but tell me honestly: do you desire me, do you want my body?"

She got me there.

"I... honestly?" I hesitated "Well... I... Okay, in short: Yes! I desire you, but that is with your consent... no, your enthusiastic approval!"

"Not likely to happen, and I repeat that it isn't because of you."

We walked in silence for a while and turned back towards the house along another trail under the trees. Irina held her upper arms with her hands and she shivered slightly.

"Are you cold?"

"A little but it's not a problem."

"Would you allow me to put an arm around you? To warm you up a little?"

Silence for a few steps.

"Okay, around my shoulders."

I put my arm there with my hand on her upper arm on the away side, right above her own hand. I did notice a tremble shake her again on contact but she didn't try to withdraw from me. Rather she came closer if anything.

"What about your family? They know you have disappeared of course, but have you been able to contact them?"

"No. I suppose they think we are dead now. Petra is Marija's cousin and Anna is mine. We are also all relatives in some way. It's too difficult to explain but we are."

"So they are grieving but can't be sure what has happened to you. Is there any way you can contact them to let them know you are safe? Or at least alive if you don't think you are safe here."

"We could write them letters but Vadim said we must be very careful to not let the kidnappers know where we are. Our families would surely be happy to hear from us, they would tell others and smile again though. It's hard to decide what to do."

"Maybe we could send the letters to Vadim and ask him to send them to your families? That wouldn't lead anyone here, so you would still be safe."

"Maybe, but that would put Vadim at risk, wouldn't it?"

"I doubt it. That's where you were to begin with so it is logical to assume that you are still there anyway. At least we can ask him."

"I'll think about it. Among all the other things I'm thinking about."

"Yeah, sure is a lot going on in that head of yours. A pretty head also. Oh, sorry about that."

"It's okay, just don't overdo the compliments and contact. I don't believe you are sincere anyway."

"Fair enough."

We reached the house and entered its warmth, so I removed my arm from Irina's shoulders.

"I'm off to bed," I told her "Help yourself to anything in the kitchen if you stay up. Goodnight Irina."

"Goodnight Peter, and thank you for not taking advantage."

- - - - - -

I slept-in the next day and crawled out of bed close to ten to find Jenny and the others out by the pool. Jenny in a bikini and the others wearing rather modest one-piece suits. Oh well, modest... they showed every curve, arms, legs, shoulders and a lot of their backs after all.

"About time you got up bro." Jenny greeted me in Swedish "Pastor Martin called and his doctor friend agrees to help. She will get here around four this afternoon so I think it would be a good time for you to stay away from the house. Any problem with that?"

"Good morning to you too sis. No, not a problem, I can go out fishing or hunting depending on how far away you want me."

"Out of the yard at least. No peeking through the windows."

"Is that what you think I would do?"

"You spending most of the night down by the lake with Irina I don't know what to think." Jenny smiled innocently, but continued "No, you know that I trust you but I want the girls to relax. The examinations get rather intimate in some details."

"So why do it here then, wouldn't it be better at the hospital?"

"Yeah, but not very easy to hide that they have no right to be here. Better keep it a secret as much as possible."

"I'll go fishing in the boat then so you can see me all the time. By the way, I walked with Irina for an hour or so, not most of the night, just so you know."

"I already knew that. We girls talk, and your idea about sending letters via Vadim sounds good. I'm sure he will help, the problem will probably be what to write in the letters to not upset people even further."

"Not our problem, is it? The girls are adults and has to decide for themselves. I understand the difficulty and I'm prepared to discuss it with them, but it's their thing to decide."

"Yeah yeah, but I'm a pastor, remember? I have a responsibility to advice on difficult matters. Go get something to eat now, and while you're at it you can prepare lunch for us too."

Big sisters, always bossing their younger brothers around.

I made myself scarce when the doctor arrived, and since pastor Martin drove her I took him with me in the rowing boat. We spent a relaxed couple of hours together, talking more than fishing in all honesty. We stayed out until Jenny waved and yelled for us to return.

"Pastor Martin, I have invited doctor Maud to stay for dinner, is that okay with you too? Venison with potato gratin and chanterelle sauce, ready in half an hour or so. Wine to drink to that." Jenny invited.

"Thank you, it would be my pleasure." Martin agreed "No wine for me though since I'm driving."

Big sisters can be a good thing too, at least when they cook...

Doctor Maud was a new acquaintance for me and turned out to be very pleasant and charming. Being the same age as Martin -- sixty plus -- her hair had some grey in it, but she didn't try to hide that. I noticed several glances being exchanged between Maud and Martin and figured they knew each other better than I had understood.

No matter, they were good company and cheered the girls up with their jokes and bantering. When they left it was already late and -- at least for me -- time for bed.

I was up at seven, my usual time, and found five women asleep in the living room. On the table sheets of paper were spread out with scribble I couldn't decipher.

Staying as quiet as possible I started with breakfast but the smell of coffee inevitably woke Jenny up soon enough. Stretching and yawning she stood from the couch and came out to me in the kitchen. I had a steaming cup ready for her and she took it eagerly.

"Thanks bro. We stayed up to brainstorm around those letters to their families." she explained after taking a sip "It's harder than I thought it would be, explaining their disappearance without mentioning the degrading side of what happened. We shed enough tears to fill the lake outside as it seemed. Guess we fell asleep from exhaustion."

"Figures, I don't envy them at all. A hopeless situation they're in, weighing their own safety against the love for their families."

"Not hopeless, challenging!" Jenny corrected me "Nothing is ever hopeless if you believe it's possible."

"Fine, I know that is the truth for you but I tried to see it from their side. Do you think they see it as 'challenging'?"

"They have to! If they don't believe they can start over, what do they have left to live for but bad memories and abuse? Your view might be realistic but it isn't good enough for them to be realistic. From that point of view they should be back in a house, waiting to serve unknown men in hotel rooms. Or being dead. That is realism Peter. This is beyond that."

"Did Irina tell you what she expected would happen when we walked down by the lake shore last night?"

"I don't think so. She said she had too much to think about to sleep, that you two went for a walk and talked about writing letters to their families."

"We talked about other things too. In short she said she can't trust anyone any more and I asked how she could go outside with me if she didn't trust me. She expected me to take advantage of her, said one man more or less didn't matter much and at least she would know where we stood if I did. That's realism for her, expecting to be raped by every man she meet and accept it as something natural. How can I give her hope when she knows for sure -- from her perspective -- that I will take her against her will at some point?"

"By not doing that, by showing her and the others that you respect them. Are you tempted?"

"Tempted? Raping a girl?"

"No!! Come on, I know you better than that! Tempted to make a move, date, express your love!?Christ!"

"Actually, Irina asked something like that too. If I desired her, wanted her body."

"And? What did you tell her?"

"That I did but only if she enthusiastically agreed. Not likely to happen she said."

"Good boy. Be honest but make sure they have nothing to fear from you."

"Hey, that's part of the honesty too!" I protested.

Jenny smiled and emptied her coffee-cup.

- - - - - -

A week passed, the letters got written and Vadim was contacted to send them. As expected he agreed and a large envelope was sent to him. Jenny got into contact with the bishop to see if she could help bypassing the immigration rules. No promises but she saw it as a good reason to try.

Then, at the end of the week, Jenny said she had to go home to work. I can't say if the girls or I felt worse about it: from the expression on their faces it might have been them. It was a blow. I should have expected it to happen but I had repressed it.

Jenny promised to visit every chance she got but with 200 miles separating us it was clear it wouldn't be very often. After a long goodbye she got onto her Harley, started it and drove off. I was alone with four women who didn't trust me, or seen from their perspective they were left with a man who couldn't be trusted.

I did my best to act the same way as before but since Jenny had been the one who kept conversations going, a silence seemed to descend over the house. The girls talked between them frequently, of course they did, but in low voices and in their own language. I felt more alone than when I actually was alone. To get away from that feeling I spent almost all my time outdoors, hunting, fishing, harvesting or anything I could think of.

The only break the first two weeks after Jenny left came when Martin and Maud returned to let Maud inform the girls about the results from their check-up. There were no real issues, a bit low levels of this vitamin or that, nothing that eating well and regularly couldn't take care of. Once again they stayed for dinner and I felt included for an evening at least.

Jenny called me regularly twice a week but I didn't confide my feelings to her. I told her she was missed, that we were okay, and asked when she would visit? She couldn't say but asked me to give the girls her best regards.

Then Petra asked me if she could use the phone one day. I was taken by surprise that she even asked but also because I wondered who she knew to call?

"You don't have to ask Petra, use anything you want anytime." I told her.

"Thank you, can you give me Jenny's number please?"

Of course! How stupid I had been! I was the only one who talked with Jenny, and of course they wanted to speak with her too. Petra got the number and I went outside to give her privacy.

An hour later my cell rang: Jenny.

"Hi sis, what's up?"

"What are you doing?"

She sounded a bit short and didn't answer my greeting. Something was up.

"I'm down at the lake, trying to figure out how to best extend the pier."

"No no. What are you doing? Petra just called me."

"I know. She asked to use the phone and to get your number, so I gave it to her. Any problem with that? You don't want them to call?"

That was unexpected: my overly social sister not wanting to talk to someone.

"No problem and they can call me day or night, but I didn't like to hear what she had to say. She asked if I would visit soon or if they could visit me. Or if I could find some other place for them to stay."

"Why? They don't like it here?"

"No, not since you ignore them they don't, so I ask again: what the hell are you doing?"

With a sigh I sat down on a rock, looking out over the water.

"Jenny, this isn't working. I'm not cut out for this, babysitting abused women. I care about them and really feel sorry for them. I know they feel insecure with me around so I try to give them space, and anyway I feel left out and isolated. I can't live my life because I always wonder if they will interpret anything I do or say the wrong way. We eat our meals together -- in silence -- and that's it. You were the one who talked most of the time, or Martin and Maud when they were here."

"Why didn't you tell me? Or Martin?"

"Because I didn't realise the girls reacted to it this way. If they needed the space I could always find something to do to stay away. It wasn't great but okay."

"Some day I have to teach you about social interaction Peter. I really can't come over for at least a week, I'm busy trying to solve their citizenship, but go find Petra and give her the phone -- I'll wait -- and stay with her without glaring."

I got up and walked the trail to the house. Petra and the others sat in the living room talking, but went silent when I entered.

"Jenny wants to talk to you Petra." I told her and handed over my cell.

Petra raised an eyebrow in question when she took it.

"Hi Jenny." she said.

I really hate only hearing one side of a conversation, but in this case it was not much to hear at all. Petra said 'yes', 'no', 'oh' and 'I see' a couple of times but for a fifteen minute conversation that isn't much, is it? Finally she said:

"Okay, here he comes again. Thank you Jenny. Bye." and handed the phone back to me.

"Peter, leave them now while I talk to you." was Jenny's first words, so I returned outside.

"I have explained to Petra what's happened and she understands. She's telling the others as we speak and when we have finished you will go back to them, sit down and talk about it. You understand this: sit down and talk! Discuss how you want your lives together to be, what you can and can't do, what makes you nervous or scared or happy or sad or anything else. Got it?"

"Jenny, that's not what I do best, you know that."

"Then you get to practice! They will do their part so interact, respond, explain, ask. You're a grown man, not a kid. Act like it!"

"Okay."

"If it doesn't work out, call Martin and ask him to lead another sitting. Do it, and take care now. Bye!"

She hung up on me.

It was awkward and started off slow and hesitantly, but eventually we more or less talked at the same time, eager to support a point made. Irina summed it up much later:

"Peter, you will involve us in what needs doing around the house, inside or out. You won't stay away from us because you think it's what we want, but you ask beforehand if you think we need a hug or something. No sexual invites of any kind. We help with whatever we can and we speak English with each other when you are around. We tell you if we need to be left alone or if we should want physical contact. We are welcome to stay for as long as needed. Anything I have forgotten?"

"Probably, but so have I in that case." I said "I guess we will talk more about this at other times."

"I'm sure we will." Anna agreed "I think you got the essential points right Irina."

"Anyone interested in helping to prepare a late lunch, or perhaps an early dinner?" I asked "I'm hungry!"

"No," Marija answered at once "but if you are interested in helping me I can put something together."

And that's what happened. Sitting around the table together at dinner, silence fell over us again. In part, I'm sure, because of the excellent meal Marija had created, but I felt the need to fill the silence with words anyway.

"Marija, this is excellent! Are you an educated cook or something?"

"Educated? In a way maybe. My mother and her mother has taught me a lot since I was little and I often helped them in the kitchen. I like to cook and experiment a little with flavours. I'm glad you like it."

"Do you know how to preserve fruit and berries too? Mushrooms?"

"Of course. Our families have always used what nature has to offer. All children help gather berries, mushrooms and nuts, and the girls help take care of what is gathered."

"I sure could use that knowledge. I love to eat all of that but it tends to be only during season. I can cook for myself but I'm not that picky how it tastes. Jenny is a lot better."

"We noticed!" Irina commented, giggling "Really Peter, your cooking isn't that bad but... shall we say uneven? Too much salt and pepper some times, too little at others, not much of other spices ever. I apologise for telling you this but it is the truth."

"No problem Irina, I have eaten my food for many years so I know, believe me. Care to help doing something about it? Anyone?"

"We can try at least." Marija agreed "You have the basic resources: fish, meat, vegetables, fruit, berries, mushrooms. Adding some other spices and vegetables -- perhaps grow them yourself - and some other things and you could start a restaurant if you can learn how to prepare it."

"Yeah, and why would I want to start a restaurant out here, in the middle of nowhere?"

"Don't take it literally. What I mean is that the quality would be that good, not that you should do it. Wouldn't that be a surprise for Jenny?"

"I'm afraid the shock could kill her. On the other hand, she has said my cooking might do that one day, so sure."

After doing the dishes with Petra I went outside for a breath of air. October, cool evening air, cloudy sky, darkness except for the lights from the house. I love autumn. I can't really say why but I do. Nature slows down, preparing for winter and snow, the leaves change colour and fall from the trees to create a soft carpet on the ground. Or what I really love is the four seasons following each other, each with it's own charm, and autumn is one.

I stood looking out over the lake, not far from the house with my back to it. I heard the door open and close behind me and soon a pair of arms surrounded me from behind.

"I didn't hurt you with my comment about your cooking skills, did I?" Irina said softly in my ear "I didn't mean to, but I try to be honest."

I was surprised that she sought physical contact like that, pressing up close against my back.

"No. I told you, I'm aware of my failures. Some of them anyway. Sometimes."

"Thinking about our long talk, are you? You over-thought things but tried to do the right thing. That's not a failure really. No more than us not telling you right away at least. We thought we had overstayed our welcome you know. You have no responsibility towards us after all."

"No? Have you heard an old Chinese saying, that if you save a man's life you are responsible for him the rest of your life? I didn't save your lives but I was involved in creating a change for you, so I can't just leave you to sink or swim. That would make your escape meaningless if you sank."

"Nothing could make it meaningless! I know you can't understand, in part because you're a man, but also because you haven't been a whore. Let me tell you about one episode that you witnessed the end of. Remember the night when you 'bought' Petra and me?"