My Man, My Marine, My Lover!

"Ok Brat, have a safe trip and be good. I don't want to hear any bad reports or I'll be up there to kick some Marine Corps Brat Ass. Understood?" His words were so Brian, but I swear I saw something more in his eyes. "And make sure you keep in touch. I know we will both be busy but I expect a text or email to keep me up to date every now and then." He gave me a quick "brotherly/friendly" kiss and started to head back to his house. I couldn't let him go without another try. So, I took a chance.

"Brian." I called to his back.

"Yeah." He said as he turned and looked back at me.

"I love you, you know?" I was looking directly into his eyes when I said it.

He took the few steps back to me and kissed me again. It wasn't anything earth shattering or even sexy or romantic. It was just a simple kiss on the lips. "Yeah Brat, I know." He turned and walked away.

My mom and dad must have been watching because right after he left my mom came out. "Is everything ok? Are you ok?" She said with that loving questioning tone that only a mom has.

"Yeah Mom, everything is ok. I'm fine. We were just saying good bye again." I sighed.

"Good because I think your father is going to have a heart attack. He thinks his baby girl might be in love with one of his Marine's and it's breaking his heart." She said, never once blinking or taking her eyes off of mine.

"Well to tell the truth Mom, his baby girl has been in love with one of his Marine's since the first day she met him. She just hasn't said anything about it." As I said it, I waited to see what her reaction would be. To my surprise she didn't seem the least bit shocked. At least nowhere near as shocked as I was by her response.

"I know baby. That's exactly what I just told your Daddy. Then he sent me out here to see if you were ok. Now, I need to signal him that all is well before he will come out to say good bye. He's willing to kick some Marine ass if he needs to." She said with a smile.

"No. I'm very sure I have learned well from you and Daddy. If there is any Marine ass kicking to be done here, I'll be the one doing it." I gave her a big hug and kiss. Then she waved to my dad standing in the front door.

"Hi Daddy." I said as I walked into his arms and received a big hug and kiss.

"How's my baby girl?" He kissed the top of my head then tilted my chin up to look at him.

"I'm good Daddy. I'm really good. No worries here." I winked and fell right back into his arms. The three of us hugged and kissed a few more times before I drove away.

Over the next three years I went home for a few weeks during the summers or a few days during holidays and breaks. But because I was working as a research assistant and running a few research projects with head injury patients at the school, I didn't always come home. I was getting my degree at Penn in Neuro-Psychology and loved everything about it. The only problem was I got so involved in everything that I never wanted to let anyone else do anything. I wanted to make sure everything was done right and the only way to do that, at least in my opinion, was to do it myself.

It was an intense time in my life and time flew. The only things I looked forward to outside of my studies and research were my time spent with my family and my time talking, calling, texting, and Skyping with Brian. We kept in touch as much as possible. He finished TBS and was assigned to his Military Occupational Specialty (MOS). Since he graduated in the top of his class, he received his first choice of MOS. Brian chose Ground Intelligence and his Platoon Commander was happy he was able to assign his first choice to him.

If I thought my studies were difficult, I had no idea what difficult meant. I would talk to Brian for hours about his studies and training. The two years after he completed TBS, were just one class after another for him. He was in leadership classes, intelligence classes, foreign language courses, snipers course, and finally he went to Ground Intelligence Officer's Course. He was assigned to an intelligence office in first battalion and it was driving him crazy. He hated being in an office all of the time. But still he had spent over a year there. He couldn't wait to be assigned to a Sniper Battalion. He wanted to be in command and he wanted his own unit. It was what he had trained for all of his adult life. Finally he received his orders, he was getting his wish.

At the end of my junior year I decided to take the summer break and go home. Most of my projects were completed or in a holding pattern. Some I just needed to write up the final analysis and hand them over to my professors.

When I got home my dad told me about Brian's assignment. My heart sank as I heard the news. I knew it was what he wanted, but it didn't help that I was all too aware of the dangers that went along with his choice. With everything going on in the Middle East, with North Korea as an unknown, and the 'war' along the Russian boarder, I knew it wouldn't be long before he went overseas. I also knew that he would most likely be assigned somewhere in the Middle East the 'Hot Bed' of it all.

Luckily Brian was able to come home for a short period before his deployment. I'm sure my dad had something to do with his visit home, but he never admitted to it. Whether he did it for Brian's parents or me, I'll never know. Maybe it was for all of us.

Brian spent most of his last few days home with his family. His mom doted on him. His dad gave him last minute advice. I saw my dad and Brian's dad constantly talking with him. They would be off to the side or in the backyard talking and if anyone else came too near the conversation it turned to a conversation about a sport game of some sort. It was their way of protecting us. Little did they know it was too late for that now.

Two days before Brian was to leave, we went for a ride together. I had packed a picnic lunch and we jumped in his jeep. An hour or so later, we ended up at his lake cabin. It was a beautiful sunny day and the lake was picturesque. When we pulled in we opened up the cabin and left some windows open to let in fresh air. Then we took a walk down by the lakefront.

"I really love this place. I think this cabin and this lake may be my favorite place on earth. If I could only live in one place for the rest of my life, I would choose here." Brian looked around as if he needed to take it all in for the last time. It sent a chill down my spine the way he almost breathed the place in as if he wouldn't return any time soon.

"Brat, I want you to do me a couple of favors. Will you do them for me?" He looked down at me and I could tell he was being serious.

"Of course Brian, anything. What do you want me to do?" I was worried because I couldn't remember a time when he looked so serious, so intense, so determined.

"First, I want you to promise not to give me a hard time about what I'm going to say. I want you to promise that you're not going to interrupt me. I need to get this out and then I don't want to talk about it again. Can you promise that to me?" He stopped walking and turned me to look at him. We stood there staring at each other. The look on his face would have had me promising him anything just to relieve that intense expression.

"I promise Brian, I won't give you a hard time and I won't interrupt." As I made my promise, he took his hands off my shoulders and dropped them to his sides. As soon as he did it, I felt empty and a little frightened. I didn't know what he was going to say, but I did know it was very important to him.

I needed contact with him so I reached over and took both his hands in mine. When he tried to gently pull away, I held on to his hands tighter. He looked at me, blinked, and then smiled before he started to talk.

"A.J." He hesitated. Using my name was foreign to Brian. To him I was always "Brat." In fact, that may be the first time he ever called me anything other than "Brat." When we were alone, he always called me "Brat" and when we were with others, I don't believe he called me by any name. I thought it very odd that I was just realizing that at the time. We had known each other for almost fifteen years and he never once addressed me by my name. He even wrote "Brat" on my cards and gifts.

"A.J." He started again. His voice was quiet and steady, but I knew he was full of emotions he was barely holding on to. "I need you to look in on my mom for me. Dad's at the base office or involved in training all the time and my little brother will be off to college in a little while. She'll be alone a lot. She thinks of you as the daughter she never had. She loves you. She'll need you and I would like to know that you will be there for her. Just like you've always been there for me."

He paused waiting for my answer. I only hesitated because I wanted to make sure I wasn't interrupting him.

"Brian, you know I will be there for her. I will be there for your whole family. So will my parents. You never have to worry about that. I'll be there whenever she needs me and even when she doesn't. My mom will make sure she's ok too. I love your mom. You know that."

He nodded. "Good. I'm glad. I knew you would be and your family too, but I just needed to ask and to hear you say it."

"Always. I will always be there for you and for your family. You never even have to ask. Just tell me what you need and consider it done." I squeezed his hands as I said the last sentence to make sure he knew I meant it.

"I'm glad to hear you say that because you're not going to like what I ask next." There was silence for just a few seconds. When I went to say something he put his fingers to my lips. "Shhh! No interrupting. You promised."

I nodded yes and he removed his fingers from my mouth. The only problem was he took them and gently and very slowly stroked them down the length of my face and neck. A shiver went through me at his simple touch. His hand stopped just where my neck curves into my shoulder and he rested the palm of his hand there. I felt the warmth of his hand seep into my skin and it felt wonderful and intimate. He never touched me in such a familiar way before. He just held me along the side of my neck and didn't say a word. It was the most intimate touch Brian had ever given me.

Then he broke the silence with his next statement. "A.J. I also want you to promise me something else." He looked away and his eyes scanned over the lake. He looked up at the beautiful blue sky and I could see he was fighting with himself. He blinked his eyes a few times as if to clear his vision. He swallowed hard as if there was something caught in his throat. And then he asked the one thing that was impossible for me to do for him.

"A.J. I want you to promise to stop waiting for me. I want you to leave it behind you and move forward. I want to know that you aren't waiting for me. That you're not waiting for something that will never happen. I want to know that you are happy and living your life. Living a full life A.J., not one where you're waiting for me to be part of it. I want you to date, to be happy. I want you to meet the perfect guy and fall in love."

When he was done he sighed in relief. He got out everything he wanted to say. No matter how stupid it was. Now, it was my turn. Now, he was going to listen to what I had to say.

"Is it my turn now? Do I have your permission to speak now Lieutenant?" I said with all of the sarcasm I could gather between my anger and hurt.

"Go ahead. But I can already tell, from the look on your face and the tone of your voice, that you are going to break your original promise and give me a hard time." He gave me his tilted head, eyebrow up, cocky look he gets when he thinks he's right and wasting his time listening to anything else.

"Well you are correct! I am going to give you a hard time. Why? Because you deserve it!" I took a few deep breaths to calm myself before I went on. "First of all Brian, I am living a happy and full life. My life has always been on a forward progression. I don't just sit around and wonder when you will spend time with me. I haven't done that since I was thirteen and you so kindly reminded me of how things were between us. You remember that don't you Lieutenant?"

"Yeah. Please don't remind me." He smirked but I wasn't giving in to him. Not on this.

"Well, that didn't go so well for you then did it?" Now my eyebrows were raised and I wanted an answer. "Well?"

"No, not so well." At least he had the good sense to look remorseful.

"Well Lieutenant, it's not going to go much better for you this time either. You can't just ask me to move on to the next guy. You can't ask me to stop what I feel for you. You can't ask me to stop loving you. You might as well ask me to stop liking chocolate or to stop breathing. I can't do either of those things either and I won't do what you ask."

"But, A.J." Before he said anything else, I had my hand over his mouth. "No. You don't get to say anything else. It's my turn now." When he nodded, I removed my hand from his mouth and continued.

"I love you, you idiot. I have been in love with you since I first met you. I will grant you that initially it was a puppy love. But when I grew up, my love for you grew up with me. I don't need to find the perfect guy for me. I have found the perfect guy for me. He's just too much of a stubborn jackass to admit it to himself."

I paused and took a deep breath. When Brian went to speak, I yelled at him. "No. You don't get to speak yet. I'm not done here. Even when I'm done, I don't know if I want to hear anything else you have to say. So tread lightly Lieutenant, you are on shaky ground with me right now."

"I will promise to do everything I can to make things as easy as possible on your mom and your family. But don't you ever ask me to do something as stupid or crazy as to give up on love. To give up on you. Because if I do that, then I give up on myself and that is not an option. If I have to wait until you come to your senses and realize you love me, I will. I've waited this long, what's a few more years?"

"I know it's not the age difference because that doesn't matter anymore. What I don't know is if it's your pride or your stubborn will that won't let you admit you have feelings for me. But whatever it is, it won't outlast me. I hate to have to tell you this Brian, but I am here to stay. I have made my decision and I decided on you a long time ago. So, unless or until you are bonded with someone else, I'm here and I'm staying."

"I don't know why you can't admit you have feelings for me. I don't know why you have never told me how or what you feel for me. All I know is that I'm dead sure that you do feel for me. The day you tell me you don't have feelings for me, the day that you make me believe that you don't love me, is the day I may think about making some changes. Until then, I'm done talking about this. Don't ask me to promise something that is absolutely impossible for me to do. Now I packed a perfectly good lunch basket, let's go eat."

I turned to walk back to the cabin and he stopped me in my tracks with the two questions I have been waiting forever for him to answer.

"Do you want to know how I feel about you and why we can't be together?" He was quiet and calm. It was a little intimidating seeing him standing there looking down at me. I have been waiting years for these answers and now I wasn't sure I wanted to hear them. I was truly afraid of what he was going to say.

"Yes." I was barely able to whisper out that one word. I was never so hopeful and felt so helpless at the same time. I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was waging his own war with his feelings.

"Brat, no, for this conversation I should treat you like the woman you are, not the girl you were. No more Brat or A.J., at least for now. Andrea of course I have feelings for you. It would be impossible for me not to have feelings for you. I'm only human, only a man. If after all of this time I didn't feel something for you, I would think there was something very wrong with me." He hesitated as if to organize he thoughts and his next words.

"I love you." Before he said the next word I was moving toward him. He stopped me by holding up his arm in front of him. The flat of his hand came to rest on my chest in a halt fashion.

"Don't Andrea, don't come any closer. I need to get this all out once and for all. If you come any closer, I won't be able to tell you everything I need you to hear. I need you to understand. I need you to accept."

"I never told you how I felt because I didn't want to give you hope that one day we would be together. I didn't want you to think that we had a future together. I never told you how I felt because it doesn't matter how I feel. My feelings simply do not matter because it's your feelings I'm concerned about."

"I am a Marine. I have spent my whole life wanting and training to be a Marine. I saw what it was like on my mom when my dad was deployed. I saw her wait and cry. I saw worry herself to sleep when he was on a mission. I saw her basically hold her breath until the next letter arrived telling her he was still alive. I saw her try to keep things together for me and my brother. I swore I would never do that to a woman. Especially to a woman I loved."

"I'm already in love and married. It just happens to be to the Corps. I don't want to have to worry about leaving someone else I love behind. I don't want to have to worry that if something happens to me, you'll be stuck with someone different from the man you fell in love with. I couldn't do that to you or to myself." He sighs.

"Andrea, that is why I never told you how I felt. That is why nothing has ever happened between us. If I didn't care so much about you, I would have taken you as soon as you became legal. But I do. I do care. So I didn't act on my feelings. I knew then that I was married to the Corps. I don't want you sitting here worrying if I'll come back. Will I come back whole or with a part of my body missing. Will I be the same man who left or will seeing what happens in an active war zone change me. I saw that growing up and I don't want to be the one to put you through that."

"Now do you understand?" He asked this as if anything he said made a difference to me. He asked this as if his words had changed something in me and I no longer was in love with him.

"So, let me make sure I understand this. You don't tell me how you feel or if you feel anything for me for years. Now you finally tell me how you feel and that you love me but that you won't act on it because something may happen in the future that will change the way I feel. Do you really think that if something were to happen to you, that if you were hurt or injured in anyway, it would make a difference to me? Because that tells me you have very little faith in me. It tells me that if you truly believe that I am that superficial you really don't know anything about me."

I couldn't help myself; tears just started to form and flow out of my eyes and down my cheeks. The fact that Brian even had that thought for a second really hurt me. The fact that he spoke the words out loud as if he believed them broke my heart. The only thing that kept me there was the fact that I knew he was speaking out of fear for me. That what he said was his way of trying to protect me. I knew he knew me better than that. I knew he knew I had more character, more backbone, and a tougher nature than his words depicted.

He had to expect more from me than he was pretending to. He knew who my dad was and how I was raised. The only way I could be more "Marine" would be to join the corps.

"Brian, I don't think you understand that no matter what you say, I still feel what I feel. So I will still worry about you. I will still be in love with you. I will still miss you. It doesn't change on my end. It's not as easy for me to deny what I feel as it is for you. I feel, I want, I hurt, and I LOVE!" I yelled the last sentence hoping it would sink in to his head.