The April Fool

I made a brief appearance at work to make sure everyone knew I was still alive then I went home to clean my collection of hand guns and think. I had my laptop open while I sat at the kitchen table as I lovingly stripped, cleaned and oiled every gun. The screen was scrolling through all the cameras I had both at work and at home, when I saw Grace in frame watching me through her kitchen window so I held that frame. For effect I picked up my favourite hand gun; a Smith and Wesson Model29 .44 magnum; my Dirty Harry Special. I opened it and as she watched from her window, I slid one of my special show cartridges that have nothing explosive in them, into a chamber and closed it. I spun the chamber and smiled as I watched the screen and put the barrel in my mouth and pulled the trigger. I watched as Grace quickly pulled her hands up and covered her eyes but of course nothing happened. If it had landed on the bullet it was a dud anyway, but Grace would not have known that. I knew then I could have some more fun tomorrow and perhaps even longer. I enjoyed that moment.

That night we had a leg of lamb and once again Vicky picked up the carving knife to pass to me. I gasped again and struggled to breath then ran to the toilet and made myself vomit again. Vicky followed me in and tried to comfort me but I suggested she get back and feed the kids. She thought I go to see the doctor next day to see if I had picked up a stomach bug. I wondered how many times I was going to have to vomit before she got the message. Through the mouth of babes came another bad moment for her when William asked her, "Mom, why is dad vomiting when he sees you with a carving knife?" Vicky was mortified and remembered what the hospital counsellor had told her as she looked at her mother with a questioning look on her face. She would have to speak with Ron at her daily session about what was happening to me.

I listened closely to everything Grace told Vicky but she did not mention the gun or watching me yet. She did however tell Phil and the two discussed what they could do about it. I was sure she would tell Vicky when it suited her. They decided to watch again tomorrow to see what happened. I did not disappoint them and was back there just after lunch and slipped my show cartridge into the chamber again and repeated the scene exactly and after spinning the chamber put the barrel into my mouth and pulled the trigger. I only did it the twice as I knew Grace was waiting with a camera to get proof in case I needed to be committed and that would spoil everything. I knew I could start up again at any time it suited me.

At the end of the week the Public Prosecutors finally caught up with Vicky as they saw it was an easy guilty verdict. I had phoned my Doberman when Vicky told me that she had an appointment to see them as she walked out the door. She was at their office without legal representation. When my lawyer walked into their office his attendance surprised Vicky and it stunned the Prosecutors as they had lost cases to him in the past. They had been scarring Vicky with talk of prison sentences of 10 years if it went to trial but were offering 5 years if she took a deal. Because of her deep feelings of guilt, Vicky wasn't going to fight it and was about to take the 5 years with time off with good behaviour. They walked out some hours later with a deal of 3 months in minimum security with time off with good behaviour. Not bad under the circumstances. Vicky was to present herself at the minimum security prison by Monday week. The Public Prosecutors didn't know what hit them but they had a conviction on paper and it was election year.

The next week went slowly as Vicky seemed to do everything she could to make my life easier. She knew she was going to be missing her family. I still loved her but had trouble finding sympathy for her as she was the one who used the scalpel. When I went to bed she joined me as soon as she could and I continued to sleep with my back to her in case my cock betrayed me and went hard. My morning woody was becoming softer and softer and it looked like I wasn't going to get my month after all.

Grace finally confided her secret with Vicky that she had watched me play Russian roulette with my big Dirty Harry handgun twice in the past week and couldn't live with herself if I had taken my life. Vicky broke down again but seemed to get some relief that I had not done it again. She discussed this new situation with Ron the next day and he asked if she could bring me in for "marriage counselling". I heard Vicky talking with Grace and discussing how best to approach the need for me to attend counselling. I knew what it was really about and when she asked I just flatly refused; telling her that as far as I was concerned I wasn't the one with the problem; I hadn't been the one who used the scalpel. Vicky was devastated and would return to Ron the next day to share her bad news.

Vicky was still over with Grace when Frank phoned me then called around to see how I was going. I told him that everything he had set up was working well; in fact better than expected and we should start using them for all of our surveillance work. He was quiet for a moment then reached into his pocket and pulled out a very small voice activated recorder that would transmit when it was within range of the home server or my laptop. He told me it was his latest toy and he wanted me to try it on Vicky. I slipped it into the lining in her purse and now would hear whatever she said so long as she had her purse with her. It would download automatically when she was within range of the server. This was quite timely as from what I was hearing Vicky tell Grace, I was going to have to be very wary of Ron.

Modern technology is great. When she told Ron the next day that I had just flatly refused to attend they decided on another course of action. He suggested that Vicky get bookings for a table for four at the Hilton restaurant for the coming Friday night at seven pm. She should use the excuse that it would be her last night out for a long time but she would have to make sure we were seated at the next table to them and act surprised when we all sat down about the same time. Vicky was to ask them to join us so that Ron could finally get a chance to renew our lost friendship. Knowing he couldn't get me to his clinic he would trick me and ask if I would like company with Vicky gone for up to three months and join him for golf every Saturday morning. Ron was to turn these in to counselling sessions without my knowing as we played our golf. What a conniving bastard. He was smart and I loved golf although I hardly ever got the chance to play lately so I thought I would play along as it could be fun to "out-psych the psych" with what I could remember from University. Even Vicky did not know I had done several Psych subjects. Vicky would actively support the idea even though it was her who had made it difficult for me to get a golf game in previously.

I acted thrilled that we were going out and suggested we take Frank and Sharon but Vicky told me she wanted a quiet intimate dinner with just the two of us. I could play along. As we sat down I saw Laura and Ron about to sit at the next table over so I jumped in ahead of Vicky and called to them and they joined us. Vicky sat there stunned wondering what had just happened. The night could not have gone better. If I hadn't known they all were setting me up I would have probably forgotten my plans to seem fearful and a little despondent and really enjoyed myself. Eventually the talk got around to Vicky going to prison on Monday and Sharon offered to come over every couple of days to help with the housework. I reminded her that Vicky's mom still lived with us and the kids and I would be able to pitch in. Then Ron made his big play and suggested I play golf with him every Saturday morning as his usual partner had gone overseas on a contract. I hesitated and stalled as long as I could but eventually the three of them "wore me down" and "convinced" me to play golf with Ron starting in the morning. Ron offered to pick me up so I agreed. He would pick me up at 8am. I had my game plan ready.

Ron picked me up at on time and we were at the golf club ready to tee off at 8:30am. Ron proved to be an excellent player and my game showed a definite lack of time on the golf course but never the less I was enjoying myself and Ron was a great conversationalist. I remembered I used to actually like his company and wondered why we all drifted apart; maybe it was the kids?

At about the third hole he was digging through the front pockets on his golf bag pretending to look for some more tees when he exclaimed, "What the?" and pulled out a skinning knife. "How did that get in there?" I answered, "Kids, most likely. You should see what I find in mine sometimes. Looks like a nice blade. Have you had it long?" as I gestured for him to pass it to me. I looked at it closely and it was well balanced so flipped it into the air and caught it before passing it back to him. "Umm, very expensive. I stock them if you need any more." At the fifth hole there was a large water trap which I missed of course but my ball landed a few feet from the edge but still close enough for a long putt across the green to the hole. I had been ready to make my move for a couple of holes now; I only had to wait for Ron to say something that I could easily become upset by and he did, "James, Vicky was telling me that you still seem upset at what happened." "Thank-you Lord," I thought to myself.

I stopped in my tracks and looked over to him. I could see he was watching for some non-verbal signs as well as what I had to say. I gave him an evil stare and as I picked up my golf bag I said, "Well fuck you! You had to spoil my day didn't you?" as I threw my bag into the water and walked away back towards the club house to catch a cab home. Ron didn't know whether to recover my golf clubs from the shallow water or chase me. That consultation was over for the day.

I had Frank there on the club house balcony watching what was happening. Thank goodness Ron recovered my golf clubs; I would need them for next week. Ron dropped my clubs at the pro shop so they could be cleaned and dried professionally then went looking for me. Frank told me he looked for me everywhere then as it happened ended up close to him as he phoned Vicky to tell her I had disappeared after throwing my clubs into the water. She told him she had not heard from me then asked Ron if the clubs were OK because they meant a lot to me and that I must have been really upset. He asked Vicky to phone me pretending she thought I was still playing golf to see how I was. He also asked her to tell me that she had invited Laura and him over for dinner. He wanted to see my reaction to her handling a carving knife. What a cruel bastard. But I was beginning to enjoy vomiting; like hell I was. At least it was better than having some guy handling my scrotum every day and accidently brushing his hand against my cock.

I was fine and at home cleaning my handguns again and waiting for Grace to appear at her kitchen window. As soon as she did I went through the routine and opened the gun and slipped a "doctored" cartridge into it and closed it then spun the chamber. I didn't like the taste of that gun oil and would have to change it if this continued much longer. Then I smiled as I pulled the trigger just as my cell phone rang. It was Vicky asking how the game was going. I said very little but told her I had enjoyed myself initially. She told me she had invited Laura and Ron over for dinner. "Umm, a roast and a vomit; just what I needed," I thought to myself.

The handguns were locked away again by the time Vicky arrived home. She kissed me then said something about I tasted funny and I answered I didn't like that gun oil either. She gave me a strange look then a few seconds later it hit her and she knew why she had tasted it. I saw her eyes mist up again as she went upstairs, showered and changed and returned to prepare for dinner. I left to pick the kids and their grandmother up from their sporting activities as she did so. As I was leaving I saw Grace running over to our house to see Vicky; but she knew already.

We gave the kids pizza in the family room and I wished I could do the same for them as our parents had done for us but without the cameras; then I remembered every room was monitored. Maybe next time they might bring their daughters and son over for a swim I might leave a porno out accidently. We sat down as Vicky brought in a sensational looking roast leg of lamb. I noticed the carving knife and fork were placed next to the roast. I knew Vicky was about to ask me to cut the roast but before she did I excused myself saying I had to check on the kids and left the table. I heard her ask Ron to cut the meat and timed it so well that just as I returned to the table Ron was passing the carving knife to Vicky. She stopped when she saw me and looked down at the knife she had in her hand at the same time I did. I saw Ron watching my reaction so I had to be perfect. This was too easy as I gasped for breath again and turned and ran for the toilet and when ready, the finger went in and pre-dinner nibblies came out.

By the time I cleaned up and returned to the table dinner had been dished out and all were waiting for me to return. Nothing was said about the knife or my vomiting. It turned out to be a good night after all but I knew they were all very guarded about what they said. Reviewing the recording later I heard Ron discussing what he had found so far and what they could and couldn't say. He suggested to Vicky that she not pick up a knife of any kind if I was about and said I had some issues that needed to be addressed. This was far too easy. It had been a very productive night.

After they left Vicky made overtures about joining her in bed but I told her I had some important bookwork to complete then I would join her. I watched the screen as she undressed and slipped between the sheets. I watched her crying as she waited for me and slipped into a restless sleep. I reviewed all the tapes for the day quickly and listened to Ron saying what he needed to. I watched my William feeling up their daughter and I being the proud dad I was, smiled knowing next time he would explore further.

I woke next to Vicky on Sunday morning without my woody and I knew I would never get my cock hard again without treatment so the next phase went into operation. During the day I told her my pain was gone from my scrotum and I told her I wanted to give her a special memory that night to keep with her while she was in prison and I would be waiting for her when she was released.

Vicky was like a cat on a hot tin roof all day. I started to feel sorry for her knowing what was going to happen. After the kids were asleep we undressed each other slowly and I went down on her. I had her squealing in no time and kept her on a high for a long time and very desperate to be fucked but she wanted to return the favour and blow me first. Usually by this stage I would have been rock hard and receptive but when she went to my cock it was soft. She saw my scrotum reattached for the first time and looked bewildered for a moment then turned to me and asked if my nuts were real or cosmetic as I had refused to discuss anything to do with my castration with her. I looked at her and told her they had tried everything to save my nuts but they could not be saved then I lied and told her I had been given testosterone and asked if there was a problem. She didn't answer but took my soft cock in her mouth as she tried without success to get me hard. She must have had the patience of Job as she tried everything she knew or had heard about to get me hard for the next thirty minutes. In the end her jaw was hurting too much so I just pulled her up to me and we kissed and held each other. I looked and saw she was crying. God, she was crying a lot lately. She knew enough to know what her jealousy had done. She would need Ron's help to deal effectively with this new problem in her life. I knew she wouldn't have time to investigate why I couldn't get hard even though I was taking testosterone.

attend for up to three months as she would be in the minimum security prison for women. He had smiled at her and said he worked up there on a visiting consultant basis and would be able to continue their daily sessions but she would still be billed for it as the State would not pay for it. I would have no idea now what she was saying or how she was going as she no longer had her purse with her or spoke to Grace every night.

With good behaviour, Vicky ended up serving just over two months. The State Veterinary Board tried to withdraw her license while she was in prison but I let my Doberman loose on them as well. God he was good; expensive, and a brilliant lawyer. They have plenty of regulations about treating animals properly and what a Vet could and couldn't do, but as it turns out, they didn't have any rules against removing your husband's testicles; so she kept her license. Luckily her staff picked up the slack and we were able to find a good locum to keep her business running while she was inside. It was amazing how much extra business she picked up from people who wanted their pets neutered; it seems that if she was good enough for her husband, she was good enough for their pets. Within the year her practice needed a third vet so she recruited a graduate to give them a go.

The worst thing about losing my nuts turned out to be people's stupid misconceptions. People think that without your nuts you turn gay and the opportunity fell into to lap just after Vicky was locked up. Frank phoned me with a problem. A very good friend of his had lost his job back in his home town and was unable to find employment and he wanted me to come down to the shop and meet him. His friend Kevin turned out to be a nice guy and I liked him immediately. It wasn't hard to miss that he sounded very effeminate and when I first heard him I thought he was gay. I suspected it was why he was still looking for work.

I turned to Frank and I saw in his eyes he had already thought of what I was thinking. Frank knew my plans for pay-back from his visits to the hospital and he thought they deserved what I had lined up for them was just. Given Kevin's striking qualifications and experience he would be ideal to take over the computer and peripheral sales and service part of our business giving Frank and Sharon time to concentrate on their ever growing PI work. Kevin would also give them an extra body for some of their surveillance work. His lovely wife, Julie, was with him for a few days as he looked for work and a place to stay. Their three children were back at their old place being looked after by his mother.

The other unit above the shops was only being used for storage now as the original owner had moved to Florida so I offered it to them as part of his salary package if he wanted the job. It wasn't much good for kids but there was plenty of room and there was a park across the road. They were elated and accepted my offer as it would solve their employment as well as their accommodation problems until their house was sold and they could find another if they wanted to. I knew Kevin and Julie would fit nicely into our growing group of very close friends. In talking with Julie I found out she had hardware experience so I employed her immediately to work in my shop as a staff member had recently retired. Things were suddenly looking good for them both and they were ecstatic.

Laura and Julie were good buddies from way back and went out together on Friday night to the movies to see some girl flick that was showing. As the girls were going out, I invited Frank and Kevin over to watch the game on the big screen TV and have a few drinks. Vicky's mom was great and prepared some finger food for us and left it in front of the TV. When he arrived Kevin met my family and commented that William and his oldest daughter were about the same age and she looked just like her mother at the same age. "Lucky William," I thought. I suggested that we all have a bar-b-cue when they arrived back with their mother the following weekend and that would allow their kids to know some others.