The Broken Mirror

They took turns showering and got ready to go back to Washington. They were on a later morning train, so they had time to stop at a little diner on the way to the station for breakfast. The blueberry pancakes were amazing. Any lingering awkwardness between them drained away on the train, and they were able to act like they were just friends and roommates again by the time they got home.

~~~

Christine had a little paper calendar on her office desk counting down the days until her divorce was final. It was Friday morning, and she had twelve days to go. As the event approached, each day seemed longer than the last. So much had changed in her life since Meaghan had called and set everything in motion, but she was still married, still tethered to the past, and she couldn't really move on until that tether was broken. The longer she lived with Anne, the clearer it became to Christine that moving on mean being with Anne, but she couldn't take that step yet, couldn't even think about it too much. So every morning at work, the first thing she did was cross another day off the calendar.

That afternoon, Christine was trying to finish a brief that she was working on with James and one of the staff attorneys - they had each taken a section, and James would put it all together and file it. She was in the middle of editing her part when her phone rang. She saw Anne on the screen, standing in front of the Met from their trip to New York, and she smiled. She tucked her hair behind her ear and pushed the answer button.

"What's up?"

Anne's voice was quiet and ragged, and Christine could tell that she had been crying. "Can you come get me and take me home?"

"What's wrong, sweetie? Are you okay?"

"Just a bad day at the hospital. I'm not hurt or anything; I just need you."

"Okay, sweetie. I'll be there as soon as I can."

Christine hit save and locked her computer, grabbed her coat and dashed out the door. She ran into James on her way out and said "I need to leave - something came up. Can you send me your section of the brief to review?"

"It's already in the main document - you can open it from the share."

"Cool - I'll look at it over the weekend, and paste my section in as well. Gotta go. See you Monday."

Christine requested a cab on her smartphone before getting in the elevator, and went down to the street to wait for it. The four minutes it took to get there seemed more like twenty, and once she got in the cab, the traffic felt much worse than a normal rush hour. Christine knew it was all in her head, but that didn't make it any better. When she got to the hospital, she asked the cabbie to wait - she didn't think Anne would be in a mood to walk home.

She found Anne as soon as she went through the ER door, and put her arm around her and led her out to the cab. Anne didn't seem to want to talk, and Christine didn't force her. Anne rested her head on Christine's shoulder in the back seat, not crying anymore, but definitely not okay.

When they walked in the apartment, Christine sat Anne down on the couch, put her arm around her, and asked "Do you want to tell me about it?"

Anne sat for a while, trying to find the words to contain it all.

"Patients die every day in the hospital. I lose patients sometimes. I can usually deal with it, but not today. Today it was just too much."

Her voice turned clinical and detached, which was probably the only way she could get through it.

"It was the very end of my shift when the paramedics brought in a little boy, about eight, and a woman in her thirties from an MVA. The boy was a little shaken up, with some abrasions and a broken finger, but basically fine. The woman, though, she was messed up. I've only ever seen a few patients come into the ER in worse shape. Concussion, broken ribs, shattered pelvis, collapsed lung, and lots more. No major abdominal bleeding, by some miracle, but that was about the only thing she had going for her.

I worked on the woman with Dan, and somehow we stabilized her. We stopped all the bleeds, cleaned up the wounds and re-inflated the lung. I was shocked we hadn't lost her, and I was feeling really good. I waited with her for a few minutes until we got the okay to move her to surgery, and then we wheeled her out toward the elevator."

Anne took a deep breath and Christine held her a little tighter, knowing whatever was coming next was going to hurt.

"She coded right there in the hallway, and there was nothing we could do. She was alive one minute and dead the next, and I couldn't save her. But that wasn't the worst of it. Her little boy was right there when it happened, and he looked up and asked me 'Is my mommy dead?'

I started to lose it then, but I held it together for the kid, and I said 'I'm sorry, sweetie. We did everything we could, but your mommy is gone.'"

Christine felt the pit form again in her stomach, the one that had never completely gone away. She knew exactly how that little boy felt. Anne paused for a while, trying unsuccessfully to hold back her tears, before she continued.

"One of the nurses came over to take the boy away and try to help him, and I was very grateful that she did, because I couldn't contain myself any longer. I went into the doctors' lounge and sat down on the couch, like I sometimes need to do when I get stressed. I almost managed to calm myself down enough to be okay, but then I thought of you. I thought of little six year old Christine when the paramedics couldn't revive her mother, and that was it. I cried my eyes out for a good ten minutes before I recovered enough to call you. Thank you for coming to get me."

With that, Christine started crying herself. Even two decades later, it still hurt, and she couldn't even imagine what Anne had felt as everything was happening in front of her that day. She hugged Anne close and said "I'm so sorry, sweetie. I know there's nothing I can say or do to make it better, but I'll be right here with you as long as you need me."

Anne cried for a while longer, and then decided she had had enough, for now at least, so she wiped the tears from her cheeks and said to Christine. "Thank you so much, for listening to me cry and taking care of me. You really are wonderful."

Anne's equilibrium recovered, and Christine turned to the practical. They both needed to eat something, although Anne didn't really want to. There wasn't much in the house - they hadn't planned to cook that night - but Christine managed to make a respectable vegetarian chili with beans and corn from the pantry.

After dinner, Christine found their DVD of The Philadelphia Story - it was one of their favorites, and made a perfect distraction for both of them. After the long day and all the emotions flowing out, they were both exhausted, and sleepy enough to go to bed when the movie was over.

Christine got up first to go to her room, but before she had a chance, Anne caught her hand and said "Stay with me tonight. Please."

Christine saw all the pain that was still in Anne's eyes, and knew she really didn't have a choice. She got ready for bed in her own bathroom, and then went to Anne's room and got into bed with her. Anne's bed. She snuggled up next to Anne the way she had done in New York, and this time Anne snuggled back into Christine, wanting nothing more than to be held. Anne fell asleep quickly, feeling safe and snug in Christine's arms. Christine stayed awake a while longer, listening to the rhythm of Anne's breathing and feeling Anne's warm body against her, and then she finally drifted off herself.

~~~

When Anne woke up the next morning, the grief of the previous day was still heavy, but it was manageable. Between Christine and her support system at the hospital, she would get through it. She got out of bed, very careful not to disturb Christine, and went to pee and brush her teeth. She climbed back into bed, facing Christine, and watched her beautiful face while she slept. Anne was amazed that this wonderful creature was in her life, in her bed.

When Christine opened her stormy blue-gray eyes, Anne couldn't help herself. She did what she had been wanting to do for months, and kissed Christine, lightly on the lips. Anne was shocked when Christine kissed her back, with a fire she had never felt from anyone else, but then suddenly it was over. Christine pulled back, opened her eyes and shook her head a little bit, and said "I can't."

Anne's heart fell into her stomach. How could she have done something so stupid? Had she just ruined the most important friendship in her life? She hid her face in her pillow and said "Oh god. I'm sorry."

Anne tried to get up and run away, into her bathroom, anywhere else but in bed with Christine, but Christine's long, strong arms caught her and held her. Christine pulled her close, and she said "I'm sorry sweetie. I really want to, but I can't, at least not yet."

Anne's panic subsided a bit, and she let herself relax in Christine's arms.

"When Bob and I had our big fight, he accused me of sleeping with ... of having sex with you. I can't let him be right, not as long as we're still married. I don't care what he thinks, but what I do matters to me. That stupid one night stand was bad enough, but it didn't mean anything. You mean everything, and I can't be with you, not completely, until I'm free of him.

I have eleven days to go before we sign the divorce papers, and until then, you and I are just friends and roommates, in separate beds."

Relief washed over Anne like a flood. Christine did love her, and if they had to wait eleven more days, that would be okay. Anne didn't want to say anything else, afraid to jinx things, so she hugged Christine close and kissed her again, on the forehead this time.

They both got up and showered, separately, and spent the day together. They went for a walk in a city park near the apartment, ate lunch at a little Chinese place, and then spent the afternoon at home. They cooked dinner together that night, and watched a little TV together on the couch before going to their separate bedrooms. They were careful not to be too affectionate with each other, but Christine did kiss Anne goodnight, on the cheek.

~~~

The Monday evening before Christine's appointment to sign the papers, Christine laid out her plan for the day over dinner at the kitchen table. Both had already gotten Wednesday through the end of the week off work, so they would be able to spend five whole days together.

"The appointment's at eleven, in the same building as my old firm. I'd like you to come with me, if you don't mind. I'm going to need some support. And then maybe we could get some lunch and go for a nice long walk. That's always good for clearing my head."

"Okay," Anne agreed. She would be there for Christine, whatever she wanted to do.

Christine continued "On Wednesday night, we're going to the pub to ... I don't know. 'Celebrate' isn't the right word. Mark the occasion, I guess. I'm probably going to drink a little more than I usually do. I know it won't make me feel any better - it will probably make me feel worse - but the usual rituals should be observed. And then you're going to take me home, and we're going to go to bed together, just to sleep. I'm sorry, sweetie, but I need at least one night before I can do anything more. There will be time later..."

"It's okay. Whatever you need, sweetie." Anne didn't want Christine emotional and drunk when they finally made love anyway.

Christine blushed at the thought - it was finally going to happen. She took Anne's hand and said "Thank you for being so good to me."

Tuesday at work was the longest either of them had ever endured, and neither one slept well Tuesday night.

Christine and Anne went to the gym together on Wednesday morning, later than usual, and went about their separate workouts. The gym was emptier, a nice change from the usual professional crowd before work. They met up in the locker room afterwards, both showered and ready to go.

The attorney's office looked exactly the way a high powered law firm is supposed to look - wood paneling on the walls; modern, expensive furniture; tasteful, colorful, inoffensive art on the walls. Anne waited in the lobby while Christine's attorney Bill, a tall white-haired man in a very nice suit, led Christine to a conference room.

Bill sat Christine down in front of a small pile of papers and said "No complications, just the standard forms. Your husband signed this morning. I was a little worried after he lost his job that he might go for spousal support. He might have gotten it, even with your lower potential earnings, but he didn't press it."

Christine answered "There's no way his pride would let him do that, and I don't think he wants this to get ugly any more than I do. Besides, his dad is loaded, even if Bob doesn't have much himself beside the house, so he doesn't need the money."

Bill walked Christine through the papers, which took about five minutes, and then escorted her back to the lobby. He shook her hand as she left and said "You know, you really didn't need me for this - you could have handled it yourself."

Christine replied "I wanted a big gun, just in case anything happened. You were worth every penny. Thanks again. Can you have somebody text me as soon as it's filed and official?"

"Will do. Good luck, Christine."

Christine held Anne's hand on the elevator as they left.

~~~

The rest of the day was kind of a blur, and Christine was grateful she had Anne to distract her. Having it finally be over was a relief, but also more than a little sad. Christine didn't like failing at anything, and her divorce felt like failure. Still, it was better than the alternative. Bob certainly wasn't the Prince Charming that Christine thought he was, and his new job just reinforced it.

Bob was running a North Carolina state senator's campaign for a newly open House seat, and the new guy made Senator Jackson look dignified and sane by comparison. He had managed to sneak into the lead in primary polling, and he had a lot of financial backing in a deep red district, so chances were good he'd win in the fall and add yet another member to the House's crazy far right wing caucus. Christine's only hope was that the candidate would say something colossally stupid before the primary.

After a quick lunch, Christine and Anne went for a long walk around the national mall, going all the way to the end to admire the Lincoln memorial. The sight of it was still inspiring for both of them, even after living in the city for years. They stopped in a few of the museums as they walked back toward the capitol - Air and Space was Christine's favorite - and then took a cab to Georgetown for some shopping.

Anne called it retail therapy, and it was actually fun, even though Christine normally hated buying clothes. With her height and broad shoulders, nothing ever fit. But today they were just looking, and it felt good to act like silly teenagers skipping school on a weekday afternoon. The text from Bill's office came while they were shopping, just before five.

They went to the pub afterward, and Christine did indeed drink more than her usual. She crossed just over the line from tipsy into drunk, and stopped there. She had only been drunk once since moving to DC, after a big win at the firm, but that night it just somehow seemed like the right thing to do.

Some people get loud when they get drunk, or depressed or lustful or mean. Christine just got sleepy, and a little silly. She leaned over and whispered into Anne's ear "Take me to bed, sweetie!"

Anne paid for their drinks and dinner, and then got a cab to take them home, holding Christine's hand the whole way. As soon as they were inside the apartment, before the door even closed, Christine planted a big, wet kiss on Anne's face, in the general vicinity of her mouth. Anne kissed back, quite willingly, and then chuckled to herself as she led Christine to the bedroom.

With her inhibitions subdued by alcohol, Christine undressed in front of Anne, and made a point of putting on a show for her. Anne played along, pretending to be shocked, but inside she was burning up. They were roommates, so she had seen Christine wrapped in a towel before, or wearing her oversized sleep shirt, but this was something entirely different. Christine was showing off her body for Anne, and Anne couldn't help but admire it. Christine was an Amazon, full of strength and grace. Anne could see each muscle in Christine's back flex in turn as she bent down to slip off her jeans, and the doctor part of her brain insisted on naming each one.

And then, just like that, Christine was standing naked in front of her. She had dreamed of that sight for months, but the reality, even with its worldly imperfections, was so much better than the fantasy. Real Christine was living, breathing flesh and bone, and as much as Anne wanted to admire her, she wanted to hold her even more.

Anne, still fully clothed, put her hands around Christine's waist and pulled her close. She let her head rest on Christine's bare chest, and she heard Christine's heart beating. Christine wrapped her arms around Anne's shoulders and kissed the top of her head, but the alcohol was taking its toll, and she was fading from dreamy and happy to just plain sleepy. She let out a big yawn, so Anne let go, and then she dragged Christine into the bathroom, to brush her teeth and drink a big glass of water. After that, she let Christine collapse into the bed.

As Christine lay in bed waiting for Anne with a silly smile on her face, not quite asleep, Anne undressed and got herself ready for bed. She almost put on her flannel pajama shirt, just out of habit, but Christine wasn't wearing anything, so Anne decided not to wear anything either. As Anne snuggled in, Christine gave her another big kiss, and then rolled over and fell asleep making happy noises.

As bad as that night in New York had been, this was worse. Not only was she in bed with Christine, burning with desire, but now they were also both naked. Somehow, though, Anne couldn't be upset with Christine for teasing her and getting her so wound up. In her impaired state, Christine may not have even realized what she was doing to Anne. Even if she did, satisfaction was coming eventually.

And just like that night in New York, Christine looked so peaceful that Anne drifted off to sleep herself before too long.

~~~

Christine was pleasantly surprised to wake up the next morning with only the vaguest hint of a hangover. She was very grateful to Anne for seeing to it that she brushed her teeth and drank that glass of water. She would have felt much worse if she hadn't.

Anne stirred as she heard Christine shutting the bathroom door. The fire in her body from last night had burned down to embers, barely glowing but ready to blaze again with the right encouragement. She still wanted Christine, but she would let Christine decide when and how that would happen. Anne hadn't been with anyone for a long time, so another hour or another day wouldn't matter.

When Christine came out of the bathroom, she found Anne awake and waiting for her in bed, smiling and happy. She had been waiting for this moment for a long time, and now that it had finally arrived, she had to figure out what to do with it. Her body was telling her how much she wanted Anne, to hold her and make love to her, but her head was telling her something more important. Now that she was finally, legally a free woman, she could admit it to herself - she was crazy, head over heels in love with Anne. It didn't feel quite like anything she had ever experienced before, but she was absolutely sure of it. She felt it deep in her bones, so much that it scared her a little.

Christine sat on the edge of the bed and took Anne's hand in hers. Anne sat up, not knowing what to expect, and let the covers fall to her waist. Christine looked into Anne's eyes and said, simply, "I love you."