The Finchley Flasher

"I don't understand."

"You will...soon enough. Come round the house this Saturday about 7:00 p.m. I'll introduce you to them. I'm sure they would love to meet you."

"Fine auntie, I'll be there. But what about the Flasher?"

Her aunt smiled and gave her face a light pat. "Seven. Sharp."

Alice turned and abruptly disappeared down the windswept street, the bottoms of her black leather boots leaving a visible impression in the snow.

It was snowing so heavily now that Jenny was surprised to see how fast the white flakes had obscured the street signs. She was intrigued by her aunt's invitation but knew better than to question her as Alice rarely revealed her hand to anyone too soon. For now, it was enough that the two women had come to some sort of mutual understanding as to what might be done to capture the celebrated fiend of Finchley.

************

Jenny had no idea what to expect when she showed up at her aunt's house that Saturday evening. If she had, she might have thought twice about keeping her appointment. It wasn't that her aunt's friends were disagreeable people or that they disdained the young woman in any way. It was just that Jenny couldn't help but feel somewhat insecure in their presence. No doubt this feeling was engendered by the older women's worldly expertise and behaviour, which made her painfully aware of her own provincial limitations. But Alice made every effort to quell these insecurities in her niece by assuring her that her friends would not be judgmental, nor would they flaunt their worldliness in her face to make themselves look superior by comparison. That was not something that enlightened women did.

Alice, being the gracious hostess that she was, wasted no time introducing her niece to all thirty women in attendance. Jenny found, much to her delight, that Alice's friends were indeed a very congenial group after all, and that her fears about them had been quite unfounded.

After introductions had been made, Alice spoke to her guests about the Flasher, and what might be done to apprehend the sneaky villain.

"My niece Jenny and I," she began, "talked it over a few days ago and have come to the conclusion that he's going to make a go of it this New Year's Eve at the Tally Ho. We could be wrong but, given the man's propensity for spectacle, we both agree that he'll show up. In what capacity I have no idea. But it's a good guess that he'll be there to cause some kind of mayhem."

"And what do you expect us to do?" asked Doris Whitehead, a tall, sinewy blonde with enormous tits. "If he does show up, no one's going to be able to catch him."

"Betty might," Alice observed, looking at a thin, athletic 30-year-old sitting by herself in the corner.

"It's possible," the woman replied casually. "I may be able to outrun him."

"All right, so you're an Olympic gold medalist," Audrey Lambert retorted somewhat disdainfully. "But it's not just speed. The man can change his appearance at any time. He'll elude you. You can bet on that."

Alice frowned. "Now let's not be so pessimistic, shall we Audrey? Every puzzle has a solution. We just need to outthink him."

"Fine for you to say!" Doris scoffed. "The best minds in law enforcement haven't been able to catch the bloody bastard. What makes you think you can do any better?"

"Not me," Alice replied without hesitation. "All of us. And that includes you too Jenny. That's why I asked you here tonight."

Jenny looked up at her aunt with an inquisitive stare but Alice merely smiled and continued. "My niece is a mastermind at figuring things out; a trait we both have in common. Now before I go any further, I think it's time that we tell Jenny who we are and what we do."

There was a general murmur of disapproval from the women but Alice would have none of it.

"For heaven's sake," she continued, "my niece is 23 years old. She's not a child. She can be trusted. You have my promise on that."

"There is a certain bit of formality that is demanded by tradition, Alice," Audrey said dourly. "You can't just go ahead and indoctrinate someone merely on a whim."

"I am the President of our Ladies Social Tea, am I not?

"Yes, you are. But that does not give you the right..."

"Oh, damn all that nonsense!" Alice snapped. "I'm telling you that Jenny is the one hope we have of ridding Finchley of this flasher business, and as your leader I am telling you...yes, telling you that you will accept her into our bosom with the same respect and courtesy you would show any initiate. Do I make myself clear?"

"Well, you needn't get so uppity about it!" said Peggy, a slightly built women of 50 some odd years with gray hair. "If you feel that strongly about it, we'll back you up."

One woman, a beautiful redhead with a pretty, doll-like face, nodded in agreement. "I for one would welcome anyone into our ranks who can help us get rid of this flasher pest."

"Me too," said another women dressed in a tight, black skirt. "I say let's all put our heads together as Alice suggests and find a way out of this mess we're in!"

Although there were several women who continued to voice their reluctance to having their group's bylaws preempted in such a casual fashion, they nonetheless agreed that the immediacy of capturing the flasher should be their top priority.

"Well, we have three days to put our plan into action, ladies. Now let's get Jenny indoctrinated."

The next several hours were spent in explaining to the perplexed young woman the real nature of this so-called "Ladies Social Tea" club. It really had very little to do with anything so mundane as a get together over tea, although the beverage was drunk during meetings with an impressive amount of alcohol added in for recreational purposes. The true nature of the organization, as Jenny was soon made aware, was that it was based upon female superiority, and that these women enjoyed controlling men—especially in sexual ways. The realization that her aunt—a woman whom she always believed to be anything but gender biased—came as quite a shock. But her aunt was quick to explain that this was not a man-hater's club, but a group where men came to willingly to become the sexual playthings of their female superiors.

"We had to tell you all this because we have plans for the Flasher that go far beyond anything the law could inflict upon him," Alice told her incredulous niece.

"Like what, exactly?" Jenny inquired.

Some of the women muttered excitedly to themselves, as if reluctant to give up some esoteric secret.

"I can't tell you everything just yet," Alice replied. "Let's just say that he will not be hurt. But when we're through with him, he will never flash anyone ever again."

Doris laughed gaily. "Oh, don't look so concerned, Jenny! We just want to have a bit of fun with him, that's all. He'll fare better with us than with the police—a bunch of incompetent fools they are!"

In the back of the room sat a very demure-looking woman in a short, red dress, her long legs crossed, and her shoulder length, platinum blonde hair half covering her face. She looked as though she might pass for the old Hollywood star Veronica Lake. Throughout the entire conversation she had remained silent, listening closely to all that was being said. It was at this moment that she decided to speak.

"If you have any hope of catching this Flasher character," she said pointedly to Alice, "and assuming your niece is correct, then you are going to need my services."

Suddenly all eyes were upon the beautiful woman in red.

This lovely apparition was Ariel Bishop. She was a very wealthy young widow of 33 years of age who had formerly worked as a foreign agent for Interpol. She was highly intelligent, strong-willed, and did not suffer fools gladly. Standing at 6 feet, 2 inches tall, she presented an imposing presence that intimidated most men. But in addition to her height, she was very muscular as a result of intense training, and was schooled in the martial arts such that she knew all the pressure points on the human body with which she could inflict pain, or even death, if necessary. Her beauty had been helpful to her in the sense that it had acted as a subtle camouflage to confuse her ostensible enemies as to her true formidableness. But it also acted as a lure, which usually led her to elicit otherwise difficult to obtain information from suspected criminals. All in all, she was a woman not to be tampered with.

"I thought you had resigned from the international spy business my dear," Alice replied whimsically.

Ariel offered her friend a wan smile. "Let's just say that I decided to come out of retirement to handle this case, shall we?"

"That's all well and good," a woman named Denise said to Ariel. "But I think we should tell the police about our intentions."

"The police indeed!" Doris said scornfully. "A lot of help they've been!"

"We should at least inform the Chief Constable about our suspicions," Denise insisted.

"Nonsense!" Doris replied. "They've had six months to catch this guy and they've failed miserably."

"We can't do it alone, Doris. We're going to need help."

At this point Ariel stood up and walked over to the argumentative women, imposing her magnificent frame between them. "If you had been listening to me, you'd know that I've already offered my services. Doris is right. The police are useless. If we are going to bring down the Flasher, we are the ones who must do it."

"This may all be a moot point," Audrey said disdainfully. "The Flasher may have other plans on New Year's Eve besides conveniently walking into our hands."

"That may well be true," Ariel said. "But I think Jenny is on the right track. This man has been increasingly emboldened by his successes, and I don't think he's going to be satisfied with seeing the old year out with anything less than a triumphant spectacle to cap off the New Year. I'm willing to bet on it."

Ariel smiled graciously at Jenny, who felt grateful indeed to be so indulged by this luminous figure.

"So am I," Alice said emphatically. "My niece is a regular Sherlock Holmes and I have every confidence in her."

"In that case," Ariel said, "I suggest we formulate a plan of action before this evening is over."

In the hours that followed Jenny, with the help of Alice and Ariel, outlined exactly how the women of the Ladies Social Tea were going to bring down the Flasher once and for all. It was a fairly simple plan, which had the advantage of great flexibility in its favour. By midnight all thirty women knew their assigned roles and would perform their duty to their utmost capability.

"We have no idea under what guise he will appear," Alice told the group. "In fact, we don't even know what he truly looks like. He might come to the party sans disguise. Or he might come dressed as a woman or he might not enter the pub at all. He could be waiting outside on the street for us as we leave the building. There are just too many variables to contend with, that's why we need to be as flexible as possible. But one way or another, if he does show up, we've got to catch him. Understood?"

It was almost 1:00 a.m. before the last guest had departed, and now Alice and Jenny were left alone to contemplate the dubious nature of their enterprise.

"I hope Denise keeps her mouth shut as she promised," Jenny said, taking a sip of her tea.

"She will," Alice assured her. "I think she knows now that telling the police anything will only create problems for us."

Jenny laughed. "Can you imagine that fat Chief Constable trying to apprehend someone like the Flasher? He can't even walk fast enough to keep up with his wife when she goes shopping!"

"I know!" Alice heartily agreed. "The entire lot of them have been brought up on too many cakes and sweets. They can barely fit into their cars anymore!"

"Well, it will make our lives a lot easier not having them around on New Year's Eve."

In this respect Jenny was quite right. But little did she and her aunt realize how difficult trying to apprehend the Flasher was going to be.

************

The Tally Ho had a reputation for being a raucous pub. It had been a source of ribald and drunken pleasures for almost a hundred years. The fact that they served the best fish and chips in town assured that they would keep people coming back for more, even if they had been accused of watering down their drinks from time to time.

For an old pub it had been built rather spaciously, and subsequent remodeling added another fifty square feet of space, which made it largest pub in all of Finchley and Charing Cross combined. The owners had decked out the place with a varied assortment of essential New Year's Eve paraphernalia that included hats, whistles, jelly babies, and other foodstuffs. The pub even sponsored the recent addition of a fire work's display and a midnight cruise on the Thames.

By the time Jenny, Alice, and the rest of the Ladies Social Tea arrived at 9:00 p.m., the New Year's Eve party was already in full swing. There were literally hundreds of people swarming the place, many of them already drunk or well on their way to getting there.

According to the plans laid out by Jenny and Alice, the women would occupy various areas of the pub, always in groups of three, with the notable exception of Ariel, who insisted that she remain on her own. All the entrances and exits would be monitored, as well as the men's and ladies' rooms. All this focus on surveillance did not add greatly to the women's enjoyment of the evening; in fact it put a great damper on things. However, knowing that they might finally apprehend the man who had been the cause of so much misery in their town steeled them to their collective purpose, and each woman performed her duty with no complaint.

"I would have preferred to be spending the evening with my husband," Doris candidly admitted to Alice. "He told me that we'd have our own special party when I got home!" The outspoken woman laughed aloud and swallowed a mouthful of gin. "But he's an understanding sort. Doesn't like what we're up to. In fact he thinks we're crazy to do it. But he's good about it. That's why I love him so much."

"I suggest that you don't drink too much tonight, my dear," Alice warned her friend. "We must keep our wits about us."

"The Flasher!" Yes, of course Alice, my dear! Just one more swig and I'm done!" The tipsy woman raised the glass to her lips and drank down the remainder in one quick gulp. "See? All gone!"

"Better rejoin your group now, Doris. We have to be vigilant."

'Yes, yes! Vigilant! That's me!"

As Doris plied her way through the crowd, Jenny noticed a very tall woman in a black dress taking pictures of people at random. She was quite beautiful and many of the single men were coming on to her in rapid succession. She seemed to revel in the attention but somehow managed to keep them at a distance.

"Look at her," Jenny said to her aunt. "She has some face and body I'd say!"

Alice was forced to agree. "Quite. Maybe we can get her to take a picture of us."

Jenny waved to the woman to approach and as she came nearer both Jenny and her aunt realized just how stunningly gorgeous the woman in black really was.

"I must day," Alice said to the stranger, "you are quite a beauty. Are you a model?"

The woman laughed and raised the camera toward her face. "No, miss. I'm not a model. But I do work in the fashion industry."

Her voice seemed a little husky, which struck Jenny as strange seeing that the woman herself was so feminine.

"What do you do?" Jenny asked her.

"I'm a makeup artist."

"Do you work in film?" Alice inquired.

"Sometimes. Would you like me to take your picture?"

"Please."

The lovely brunette with the steel-grey eyes moved back a few paces and told the two women to smile. The flash blinded them for a few moments but in return they received a very nicely formatted picture.

"My name is Victoria," the woman said. "If you want any more pictures taken I'll be around."

"Thank you so much," Alice replied. "This photo is lovely. Don't you think so, Jenny?"

"Yes, indeed!" the young woman replied, taking the picture from her aunt. "Can you make copies for us?" she asked the photographer.

"Of course. Just give me a holler and I'll be here in a flash."

With that the beautiful creature drifted off into the incessant flow of bodies and was soon clicking away with great fervour.

It was now only a few minutes until midnight and there was no indication whatsoever that the Flasher might be anywhere near. Although the women had been watchful, the constant tension produced by the anxiety of not knowing when and if their adversary would appear, had taken its toll on their patience. A few of them openly derided Jenny for coming up with what they called a "hare-brained" scheme, but they nonetheless kept their promise to maintain their vigil.

"Have you seen Ariel?" Alice asked Jenny as her eyes darted over the heads of the crowd.

"No, auntie, I haven't."

"Where the devil did she go? I told her to stay close by."

"I did see her about ten minutes ago. There, by the stage."

The stage was actually a riser about several feet in height that served as a platform for the band. It was situated directly behind the bar and overlooked it and the crowd. And in the rear of the stage was a door—an emergency exit—that had never been used in all the years the pub had been in operation. The band, realizing that the New Year was only a minute away, brought the music to a halt and led the noisome audience in a raucous countdown.

The noise in the room became deafening as the entire crowd shouted out the numbers of seconds left in the old year. And then there was a tremendous shout of joy, a complete and temporary delirium of utter ecstasy, as the jubilant folk of Finchley cheered and applauded the arrival of the New Year. Glasses were raised and liquor imbibed freely as hand clenched hand and arms were wrapped around the person closest at hand. Alice and Jenny hugged and kissed each other as the general feeling of good will washed over the revelers.

And as the two women were engrossed in the wave of tumultuous and universal affection, there, standing in the middle of the stage was Victoria, who undulated her sensuous body in a very lascivious way. In a moment all eyes were focused upon the startling vision of beauty, who laughed and cajoled her audience as if she, and not New Year's itself, were the star of the show.

"Come on baby!" said one of the men to the newly risen star. "Give us a chorus of Auld Lang Syne!"

The band dutifully began playing the song as Victoria led the crowd in singing the perennial favorite.

Should old acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind,

Should old acquaintance be forgot in days of Auld Lang Syne.

But as the song was being sung, it soon became apparent that Victoria's voice was simply not up to the task. In fact, although her quirky vocal presentation was bad enough in itself, it seemed that there was also some problem with her pitch.

"I thought she was an alto," Jenny said without taking her eyes off the woman in black. "But she sounds more like a tenor."

And just as the realization hit her, the woman who had presented herself as Victoria tore open the Velcro fasteners that held her dress in place and proudly revealed to the audience a huge ten-inch penis with two very substantial-looking testicles directly beneath it. For a few seconds the startled spectators became deadly quiet as they stood aghast at the incredible sight before them. The woman, who had been previously known to all as Victoria, ripped of her wig and laughed a most frightful laugh.

"Happy New Year from the Flasher!" the imposter cried as he bolted through the emergency exit.

"Jesus Christ! It's him! It's him!" Alice shouted to her friends as the entire group from the Ladies Social Tea, along with half of the audience, rushed out the nearest exit in the hopes of capturing the wily criminal. But as the crowd exited onto the icy street outside, they were greeted with a most unusual sight. There, sprawled out on a bank of snow lay the culprit, and on top of him was Ariel Bishop, holding him steadfast to the ground. He wasn't laughing now. In fact he looked quite cold and discombobulated.